Saturday, July 31, 2004
Daily Grin July 31
I only feel "somewhat" human today. I'm still very tired, my throat is bothering me and I have had this awful headache for days now. I do feel a little better than I did yesterday and I'm hoping tomorrow will be even better.
Enjoy the grins, see ya tomorrow! J
~~~
Southern Word of the Day
Flar - a rose is a purdy flar
~~~
HOW TO DRIVE LIKE A MORON: USING DIRECTIONALS
Signal only when you feel like it.
If you feel you must use your directionals, make sure they blink only once, then turn them off.
Signal only after you change lanes.
When driving straight, make sure that at least one directional is blinking at all times.
Signal as you approach a curve in the road.
If you intend to make a right turn, use the left signal.
If you intend to make a left turn, use the right signal.
When approaching an intersection, signal to turn and slow down. When other drivers or pedestrians cross in front of you, turn off the signal and go straight.
When you intend to make a turn, start signaling approximately 6-8 blocks before your turn. Slow down for each block as you approach them.
Always apply your brakes way before you signal.
When making a left turn at a busy red light, wait for the light to turn green before you turn on your signal.
Wait until after you have started to turn or change lanes to use your signals.
If you must use hand signals instead of your directionals, use your right hand or have your passenger do it out the right side window.
~~~
Friday, July 30, 2004
Daily Grin July 30
I'm not feeling too wonderful today. Still tired and low energy and just generally ucky.
Maybe tomorrow will be the day I feel better?
See ya then! J
~~~
Southern Word of the Day
Furred - He got furred from his job
~~~
Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch,
"You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."
The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"
"I push them away!"
"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"
The patient implored, "Please--break my arms!"
~~~
Thursday, July 29, 2004
Daily Grin July 29
Have you tried Haagen Daaz Vanilla Raspberry Swirl LOWFAT FROZEN YOGURT?? Okay, not that I'm advertising now, it's just that I'm having some and it's awesome!!
I'm extremely tired today and heading to bed early tonite.
I will be working a part day tomorrow. I have my appointment with the auto insurer for my estimate and work order at 8:50 and then maybe I'll run some errands. I don't have to be at the office until about 1:00 for a meeting, but I think the earlier I get there, the earlier I can get away. Then we have a long weekend... Monday is a holiday here.
Have a great nite! J
~~~
Southern Word of the Day
Far - what gits the brandin arn hot
~~~
New Terminology
You can't be cool if you're using outdated lingo.
Here's the latest from my friends in the corporate and Silicon Valley jungles:
generica
fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in "we were so lost in generica that I couldn't remember what city it was"
fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in "we were so lost in generica that I couldn't remember what city it was"
irritainment
annoying but you can't stop watching - as in the O.J. trial
annoying but you can't stop watching - as in the O.J. trial
percussive maintenance
the fine art of whacking the crap out of a device to get it working
the fine art of whacking the crap out of a device to get it working
prairie dogging
in companies where everyone has a cubicle something happens and everyone pops up to look
in companies where everyone has a cubicle something happens and everyone pops up to look
square headed girlfriend
computer
computer
treeware
manuals and documentation
manuals and documentation
um-friend
sexual relationship "this is Mary, my...um...friend"
sexual relationship "this is Mary, my...um...friend"
world wide wait
WWW
WWW
yuppie food stamps
twenty dollar bills from an ATM
twenty dollar bills from an ATM
~~~
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
Daily Grin July 28
Today was a little better for me.... I'm not quite as stuffed up, but still sick. I could be coughing so hard tomorrow that I might turn my lungs inside-out, but for now... I'm not too bad! lol
It was a productive day at work today but I'm working all day tomorrow and at least a half day on Friday.
Have a great nite! J
~~~
Southern Word of the Day
Faince - Whats round the hawg lot
~~~
Lost in the Desert
Two friends get lost during a hiking trip through the desert. Several days later they are dehydrated, exhausted and starving.
Out of nowhere, they see a tree in the distance that appears to be covered with bacon. One guy sprints ahead, only to be gunned down in a hail of gunfire.
"Run!" the dying man yells out. "It's not a bacon tree. It's a ham bush!"
~~~
BONUS GRIN:
1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
7. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."
9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese and there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
15. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
17. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A FSH.
~~~
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
Daily Grin July 27
Okay, I'm pretty sure my brain has been liquified and is now leaking out my nose... where does all this stuff COME from!? ack!! I should have bought stock in Kleenex Ultra Soft and Sudafed! lol
I had a pretty good day at work today. The company is ordering new office chairs for anyone who wants and they let us go pick from a few of the top models.... I'm so spoiled!
See ya tomorrow. J
~~~
Southern Word of the Day
Fanger - what you put your rang on
~~~
A burglar needing money to pay his income taxes decided to burgle the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading, "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob." He did so.
Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.
As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning, "My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken."
~~~
Monday, July 26, 2004
Daily Grin July 26
Hey good news!! Nope, I'm still sick, but I did talk with the auto insurance adjuster today and guess what!? Dr Hit-and-run has accepted responsibility for hitting my car and he's been found 100% 'at fault'. Also.. Mr HUH? has accepted responsibility for my broken side mirror and I will be going to see an insurance estimator later this week for my estimate and work order. Now I can make my car all pretty again!! YAY!! I asked the adjuster how they could do an estimate on an "invisible" car.... he said, no problem, we'll just look for all the targets pinned on it! LOL
Wanna hear a really funny one?? Okay, it's kinda gross, but I sneezed a LOT today. After one of my sneezes, I heard the voice of a co-worker from the other side of the wall asking me... "Do you need a squeegee?" Funny, eh? Okay, pretty good.... but my answer?? hahaha get this... "uh... no, but I think I need a new monitor for my computer, this ones kinda GOOEY!" rofl !!
Aren't you glad you signed up for this?? lol
See ya tomorrow. J
~~~
Southern Word of the Day
Ellum - A graceful tree
~~~
It's 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. There are two guys waiting at the dice table for additional competition. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The other two agree.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm not wearing underwear." With that, she strips naked from the waist down. She then rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants! YES! I WIN! I WIN!!!!!"
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The other two just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know. I thought you were watching the dice!"
~~~
Sunday, July 25, 2004
Daily Grin July 25
Well, it had to happen eventually.... I got sick. I woke up with a sore throat overnight and it's still with me. I'm sniffling and my ear aches. It's not too bad overall, but I'm sure it will get worse before it gets better. I can't complain, it's been about 2 years since I've been sick with anything. I'll start with decongestants tomorrow to ensure I don't get an ear infection.
Of course, I'm back to work tomorrow and have a very very hectic week ahead. I have three days worth of mail, voicemail and email to catch up on and a big pile of summer hires to process. In addition to that... Dr Hit-and-run is finally back in town. He said in April that he'd be away for two months. He left in late April and just got back a few days ago. That means that I can finally call our insurance adjuster and arrange to have both cars seen side by side to assess blame (Dr Hit-and-run doesn't want to accept responsibility for hitting my car, even tho he is mysteriously missing green paint from his back bumper and I have suddenly acquired some green paint down the side of my car!!) Anyhoo... at the same time, I'll also finally get the estimate and repair order to replace my side mirror (from Mr HUH? You hit my door when I flung it open?) Hopefully I can also get my car detailed as part of the claim due to the mirror glass I'm STILL finding inside the car. (How big WAS that mirror, exactly??)
Tomorrow's update could be very interesting!!
See ya tomorrow. J
ps... five months until Christmas!! lol
~~~
Southern Word of the Day
Dainz - Satidy night social
~~~
Frying eggs
The wife was busy frying eggs, when her husband came home. He walked into the kitchen and immediately started yelling..
"CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! MORE OIL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM NOW!!! WE NEED MORE OIL!!! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!! CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL!!! USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!"
The wife was very upset, "What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?"
The husband calmly replied, "This is to show you what it feels like for me when I am driving and you sit next to me."
~~~
Saturday, July 24, 2004
Daily Grin July 24
Banana nut bread anyone?? The B&B we stayed in served up banana nut loaf for brekkie and I just had to have some again! mmmm....
Today was fairly quiet.... poor Freddy is still not well, but he did come out for our Saturday shopping trip today. We went to the veggie place and got fresh baby carrots, baby spuds and green & yeller beans to go alongside our supper.... which was (surprise!) roast beef.
See ya tomorrow. J
~~~
Southern Word of the Day
Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt
~~~
A police recruit was asked on an exam:
"What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
"What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
In the blank, he wrote:
"Call for backup."
"Call for backup."
~~~
The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his 'house in order' , make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest. 'What will you do for the last six months?' asked the Doctor.
His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, 'I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law'.
Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, 'Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?'
'Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!'
~~~
Friday, July 23, 2004
Daily Grin July 23
We're baaaack!!!!
I have a few souvenir mosquito bites and Freddy came down with a chest cold. The weather was much cooler than we preferred (which is still better than much hotter than we prefer! LOL) and somehow we still managed to have a wonderful anniversary.
The Bed and Breakfast we stayed in was very nice and the hosts were wonderful. There was an indoor pool, sauna and hot tub and we did have a soak in the hot tub the first nite - by candlelight with wine and soft music, courtesy of our hosts. We'll definitely be back there!
See ya tomorrow. J
~~~
Southern Word of the Day
Deppity - He helps out the shurf
~~~
New Word Power
1) Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
2) Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
3) Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4) Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
5) Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
6) Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
7) Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.
8) Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.
9) Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species.
10) Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.
11) Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.
12) Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.
13) Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
14) Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.
15) Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating in your head.
~~~
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
Daily Grin July 22
It's day two of my vacation... see you tomorrow!! J
~~~
Southern Word of the Day
Core - He got hisself a new Ford core
~~~
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."
~~~
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
Daily Grin July 21
It's day one of my vacation... here's your grin for the day. J
~~~
Southern Word of the Day
Chuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothes
~~~
Counting with Little Johnny
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says the boy
~~~
Daily Grin July 20
I did it... I did it!! I finished the "must do" stuff this morning and managed to clear a lot of other stuff off my desk before I left at the end of the day. Now I'm officially on vacation and ready for some R&R. I did a little bit of packing today and will do the bulk of it tomorrow morning. Gotta spread it out over several hours because my back does NOT like packing!
The weather for the next few days will be on the cool side and that's just about right for me! J
See ya!
See ya!
~~~
Southern Word of the Day
Chiny - country over in Asia
~~~
Cats and Teenagers
For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, or are a teenager, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:
1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.
5. No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.
9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.
10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.
Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.
~~~
Monday, July 19, 2004
Daily Grin July 19
I did it!! I crammed a lot of work into the day and had time to spare. Tomorrow will be hectic, but much easier after today's crazy pace.
It was another very hot day, but tomorrow is supposed to be cooler with a chance of rain. K
~~~
Southern Word of the Day
Clum - he sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon
~~~
A father brought his son into the doctor because the boy had a matchbox car shoved up his nose.
All the while the doctor was trying to remove the car, the father kept saying "I don't know how he did it!"
Finally the doctor removed the car, and the father and son left.
A few hours later, the father came back with the matchbox shoved up HIS nose. He told the doctor, "Now I know how he did it!"
~~~
Sunday, July 18, 2004
Daily Grin July 18
It's back to work for two crazy days before we take time for our little vacation... I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.... Did I mention that I have to cram three days of work into two days?? I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....
It was pretty hot here today... someplace in the high 80's with the humidex making it feel like the high 90's.... It will be even hotter for the next two days. L
~*~*~*~*~
Southern Word of the Day
Crick - a small stream
~*~*~*~*~
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Preacher spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
~*~*~*~*~
A six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair. "Don't be angry," the mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."
A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate.
This time the sister is bawling and her brother says, "Now she knows."
~*~*~*~*~
Saturday, July 17, 2004
Daily Grin July 17
Gotta love weekends.... just right for doing a whole lotta nothing!
Here's your grin for today.....enjoy the weekend!! J
~~~
Southern Word of the Day
Cheer - what you set in
~~~
Kelly meets up with her blonde friend June as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
Kelly asks, "Everything ok with your car now?"
Kelly asks, "Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," June replies.
"Weren't you worried that the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was SO relieved when he handed me a bill for only $42. He told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
~~~
Friday, July 16, 2004
Daily Grin July 16
Well, there was no getting away early, but it WAS ice cream day!! I had a frozen fruit bar (raspberry) since it has no lactose. It was a hectic day and I have two really busy days next week, then it's vacation time.
We're both looking forward to the holiday, but already know that there will be a LOT of work waiting for me when I get back. I'll try to 'live in the now' an enjoy the vacation time. I will accomplish that mostly by planning another little block of time off in the near future. lol
Hey.... it's the weekend!! J
~~~
Southern Word of the Day
Bub - the light bub burned out
~~~
Let's Go Clubbing
Are you ready for the Following Clubs?
The Yoko Club? Oh no.
The German philosophy club? I. Kant.
The Ford-Nixon club? Pardon me?
The Alzheimer's club? Forget it.
The Ebert movie club? Roger.
The Groucho Marx club? You bet your life.
The Peter Pan club? Never. Never.
The Japanese theater club? Noh.
The quarterback club? I'll pass.
The Rhett Butler club? Frankly, I don't give a...
The compulsive rhymers club? Okey-dokey.
The Spanish optometrists club? Si.
The pregnancy club? Conceivably.
The Procrastinator's Club? Maybe, next week...
The Self Esteem Builders? They wouldn't accept me, anyway.
The Agoraphobics Society? Only if they meet at my house.
The Co-Dependence Club? Can I bring a friend?
The Prayer Group? Lord willing!
Are you ready for the Following Clubs?
The Yoko Club? Oh no.
The German philosophy club? I. Kant.
The Ford-Nixon club? Pardon me?
The Alzheimer's club? Forget it.
The Ebert movie club? Roger.
The Groucho Marx club? You bet your life.
The Peter Pan club? Never. Never.
The Japanese theater club? Noh.
The quarterback club? I'll pass.
The Rhett Butler club? Frankly, I don't give a...
The compulsive rhymers club? Okey-dokey.
The Spanish optometrists club? Si.
The pregnancy club? Conceivably.
The Procrastinator's Club? Maybe, next week...
The Self Esteem Builders? They wouldn't accept me, anyway.
The Agoraphobics Society? Only if they meet at my house.
The Co-Dependence Club? Can I bring a friend?
The Prayer Group? Lord willing!
~~~
Thursday, July 15, 2004
Daily Grin July 15
It was another hot one today and will be again tomorrow. Some of us went out for lunch and grabbed some slurpees on the way back to the office. There must be about a pound of sugar in each big slurpee!! I had just a very small amount of mine..... way too sweet!
It's back to work in the morning... hopefully I can slog thru enough stuff to get out early.
1 more day to the weekend!!
G'nite!
~~~
Southern Word of the Day
Bobbed - A bobbed wire fence
~~~
A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those drivers." So the next day he had the county go out and put up a sign that said:
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county and they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own damned sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Hell, yes, put up your own sign." He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.
Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, hell yes. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone. The sheriff though to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words:
SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those drivers." So the next day he had the county go out and put up a sign that said:
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county and they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own damned sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Hell, yes, put up your own sign." He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.
Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, hell yes. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone. The sheriff though to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words:
SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.
~~~
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
Daily Grin July 14
Wow, it was pretty hot again today. I'm just not cut out for this "summertime" stuff!
2 more days to the weekend!! J
G'nite!
~~~
Southern Word of the Day
Bag - He bagged her to marry him
~~~
A woman ordered a new stove from a retailer. However, the stove was delivered while the woman was at work one day.
When the woman got home, she noticed that the new stove had been installed and her old stove was missing. She frantically called the retailer and asked, "Where is my old stove?"
The retailer replied that she just had a new one delivered to her. The woman asked again "Where is my old stove?"
The retailer replied. "Your new stove has all the latest features" and he proceeded to list them all.
The woman interrupted "Where is my old stove?"
The retailer concerned and bewildered asked the woman why she wanted to know where her old stove was.
The woman replied in anguish " My dinner is in the oven!"
When the woman got home, she noticed that the new stove had been installed and her old stove was missing. She frantically called the retailer and asked, "Where is my old stove?"
The retailer replied that she just had a new one delivered to her. The woman asked again "Where is my old stove?"
The retailer replied. "Your new stove has all the latest features" and he proceeded to list them all.
The woman interrupted "Where is my old stove?"
The retailer concerned and bewildered asked the woman why she wanted to know where her old stove was.
The woman replied in anguish " My dinner is in the oven!"
~~~
Daily Grin July 13
Hmmm I don't know why, but this just would NOT publish by email... so.... let's try again!
I don't really have much interesting to say today... and really, why should today be any different?! LOL Hope you are all enjoying the week so far. It's finally summer here, but it is WAY too hot for me!
3 more days to the weekend!!
G'nite!
~~~
Southern Word of the Day
Arn - Ma's tard of arnin
~~~
While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard.
"Sand," said the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.
The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?"
"Bicycles!"
~~~
3 more days to the weekend!!
G'nite!
~~~
Southern Word of the Day
Arn - Ma's tard of arnin
~~~
While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard.
"Sand," said the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.
The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?"
"Bicycles!"
~~~
Monday, July 12, 2004
Daily Grin July 12
All that fun at work from last week came back to haunt me again today... and because the people responsible for all my fun could not resolve the problem today... I DO get to deal with them again tomorrow!!! yay!! lol What a bunch of maroons... what nin-cow-poops!! har har
Anyhoo... 4 more days to the weekend!! J
G'nite!
~~~
Southern Word of the Day
Paints - what cha put on your laigs of a mornin
~~~
FUN WITH BLONDES
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was: "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was: "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
*******
FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.
During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
~~~
Sunday, July 11, 2004
Daily Grin July 11
Ahhhh.... today was a great big old "DO NOTHING" day.... just what I needed.
It's back to work in the morning and I'm hoping that this week will be NOTHING like the last one! I have a lot to get done this week so that I can take a little holiday the week after, but for now, it looks do-able.
Hope you had the best weekend you could manage.
G'nite!
~~~
Southern Word of the Day
Aints - He's got aints in his paints
~~~
Recently, a routine police patrol was parked outside a local neighborhood bar in Wisconsin. Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly watching.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started his car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles.
At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street. The police officer having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man consumed alcohol at all.
Dumbfounded, the office said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
~~~
Saturday, July 10, 2004
Daily Grin July 10
It was a scorcher today, but we made it through without melting!! Still going to be hot for a few more days and I'm sure not looking forward to that.
The good news today was that the fruit and veggie place we go to in the summers is finally fully stocked! We were able to get some BC Peaches (juicy and tasty) and some local veggies. There wasn't much local stuff to choose from, but that will change over the next few weeks now that it's warmed up.
G'nite!
~~~
Southern Word of the Day
Aig - what a hen lays
~~~
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets
1. The cats live here. You don't.
1. The cats live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want cat hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture
3. I like my cats a lot better than I like most people
4. To you, they're cats. To me, they're an adopted son or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly
5. Cats are better than kids. They eat less, don' t ask for money all the time, are easier to train, sometimes come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the kittens.
6. They ignore you until you are asleep.
~~~
Friday, July 09, 2004
Daily Groan July 9
Today's is a special groaner for you. It twisted my funny bone. A LOT! lol
The week from "you-know-where" is finally over. Freddy and I did a little shopping trip this evening after work and I actually found a pair of capri pants that don't cover my ankles!! lol
Picked up a couple of new CD's too and some fried chicken for supper. Got a busy day ahead tomorrow. Going to try and get away early for our regular saturday shopping trip because it's gonna be a scorcher!!
Tomorrow should be mid 80's but Sunday is supposed to be near 90, but with the humidex, it will feel like 104!!! ACK!! Stay cool everyone!
G'nite!
~~~
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
-- Paul Beatty
-- Paul Beatty
~~~
Two men are sitting in the doctor's office.
The first man is holding his shoulder in pain, while the second has ketchup in his hair, fried egg down the front of his shirt and two sausages sticking out of his pockets.
After a while, the second man asks the other what happened.
"My cat got stuck in a tree," the man says, gripping his arm. "I went up after him and fell out. I think I've broken my shoulder. You?"
"Oh, it's nothing serious," the second man replies. "I'm just not eating properly."
~~~
Thursday, July 08, 2004
Daily Grin July 8
Finally... a "normal" work day! ahhhh! Looks like I won't see any days off until my mini vacation in 2 weeks. I want to be sure I'm all caught up before I leave but I might be able to leave a little early tomorrow. We'll see.
It was a cool, rainy day here and we are heading into a little bit of a heat wave for the next few days. I'm pretty sure I won't like it!!
G'nite!
~~~
I always wait for the Times each morning. I look at the obituary column and if Im not in it, I go to work.
-- A. E. Matthews (quoted in Filmgoer's Book of Quotes, 1973)
-- A. E. Matthews (quoted in Filmgoer's Book of Quotes, 1973)
~~~
There was a hardware engineer who had an exceptional gift for troubleshooting automotive robots. After serving his company loyally for more than 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later, the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem it was having with one of its multimillion-dollar machines.
The company had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work, but to no avail. In desperation, the company called on the retired engineer who had solved so many problems in the past.
He reluctantly took on the challenge. He spent a day studying the intricate and complex machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is."
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services. It demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark: $1
Knowing where to put it: $49,999
The bill was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace
~~~
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
Daily Grin July 7
It just happened to be another crazy day at the office. I'm exhausted. Enjoy the grins and I hope for both our sakes that tomorrow is a better day! LOL
G'nite!
~~~
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
-- George Carlin (Sometimes a Little Brain Damage Can Help, 1984)
-- George Carlin (Sometimes a Little Brain Damage Can Help, 1984)
~~~
GRANDMA
In the dim and distant past
When life's tempo wasn't so fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat and baby sit.
When life's tempo wasn't so fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat and baby sit.
When the kids were in a jam,
They could always call on Gram.
But today she's in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.
They could always call on Gram.
But today she's in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.
She's checking the web or surfing the net,
Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Grandma's off her rocker.
Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Grandma's off her rocker.
~~~
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
Daily Grin July 6
It was another hectic day at work today, followed by 10% Tuesday at the grocery store! I bought more than I could carry and had to get Freddy to meet me down in the parkade - TGFCP (thank goodness for cell phones! lol)
Tomorrow will be another busy day and it's looking like I have a hectic week ahead. I'm looking forward to the weekend already!!
Have a good nite!
~~~
In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.
-- Joey Adams
-- Joey Adams
~~~
The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny. Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.
The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time--we'll miss him."
"Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes."
Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."
But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage."
With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, "Danny? We thought you said Daddy!"
~~~
