Sunday, February 27, 2005
Daily Grin February 27
The long weekend is over and tomorrow we are back to work. Tomorrow is also the last day of February and spring is just days away! I need to make a phone call tomorrow to the management company that runs our building. Our newest next door neighbor appears to be a slow learner. We have had a few discussions with her about the thin wall that lays between our bedroom and her livingroom. The first conversation I had with her was just a few days after she moved in. I let her know quite clearly that I did NOT want to hear her at 4 am ever again. It wasn't that long ago, we woke her in the middle of the afternoon to remind her again that waking us at 4am was not acceptable. Last night, she woke hubby at 3:30am. I recall hearing something overnight as well, but I'm a pretty heavy sleeper (all the more reason why I get EXTREMELY annoyed when a neighbor's noise wakes me). She woke me at 6 this morning. I have given her fair warning. Now I start "the process".
Happy Monday!!! J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
You answer the door before people knock.
~~~
Don't do while driving
We do not advise following any of the below driving rules to any extent. Driving should be taken seriously at all times. The below jokes are simply here for entertainment purposes.
When using a metered entrance ramp, vehicles in the carpool lane do not need to stop. Similarly, vehicles NOT in the diamond lane also do not need to stop.
If, at any time, you have witnessed a green light, it is okay to proceed through the intersection, regardless of the current color of the light.
The shoulder becomes a lane if you are driving a Porsche.
If you paid more than $60,000 for your car, you automatically have the right of way, regardless of the situation. This is especially applicable in parking lots.
Drive as quickly as possible through parking structures. Pass any open spot by at least four car lengths before backing up to claim it. Disregard the angry mob that has formed behind you.
Get to know your horn. Use it as often as possible.
While driving on the freeway and talking on your cell phone, alternate between 45 and 100 MPH. This is especially effective if driving in the fast lane.
Every lane is the suicide lane.
Always set the alarm to its most sensitive setting before leaving your car in a parking ramp.
During rush hour, drivers should pass the time by reading Deepak Chopra or L. Ron Hubbard, and practice inner peace when cut off by a Mercedes.
If you miss your exit, no worries. Just cut across six lanes of traffic and drive over the divider. If you really weren't supposed to cross it, they would make it out of concrete instead of icicle plants.
For parking purposes, all SUVs are compact cars. Honest.
To calculate the proper speed limit on the freeway, subtract your age from 100. Double this number if your car has dual exhaust. Conversely, add your age to 100 if you are driving on the 101 or suffering from a midlife crisis.
If a cop attempts to pull you over, give chase. You won't get away, but it's guaranteed you'll make live TV. Towards the end of the chase, be sure to throw random items out of your window. It will give the reporters something to talk about on the 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, and 11 o'clock news.
Never use your turn signal, unless of course you are on the freeway with no intention of merging.
Totally disregard on-coming traffic.
If there are already three cars stopped at a four way stop, accelerate immediately. Otherwise, one of those cars might go ahead of you!
Rush hour at the 101/405 interchange is from 5 AM to 11 PM, except around holidays that create airport traffic, when hours are extended to 3 AM.
Never Carpool.
Take full advantage of your right to U-turn. Laugh aloud at people from other states who turn around in driveways.
In case of rain, immediately pull over. You can not drive in any sort of precipitation.
While driving uphill, do not down shift. While driving downhill, ride your brakes.
When parking on a hill, turn your wheels out, set the emergency brake, remove radio face, enable the alarm, and put The Club (TM) on your steering wheel.
On narrow canyon roads, feel free to use the center divider as a passing lane.
~~~
Saturday, February 26, 2005
Daily Grin February 26
After a ridiculous morning sparring with my family, hubby and I did our regular Saturday shopping thing, enjoyed a nice dinner and sat down to watch a movie. We bought a few used DVD's on Friday... one was Cold Mountain. If you haven't seen it, I do highly recommend it. We also got Bowling for Columbine, which we will try to watch very soon.
hey... tomorrow is another day off!!! J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
~~~
The very bad accident
Two men got out of their cars after they collided at an intersection. One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other, "Here, maybe you'd like a nip to calm your nerves."
"Thanks," he said, and took a long pull from the container. "Here, you have one, too," he added, handing back the whiskey.
"Well, I'd rather not," said the first. "At least not until after the police have been here."
~~~
Daily Grin February 25
We did enjoy our day off today and did some shopping and errands that we had been wanting to get to. I think we'll do this again in two weeks. That's when we are going to the comedy club to see Derek Edwards.
hmmm... tomorrow is another day off!!! J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
You ski uphill.
~~~
Avoiding a big object
Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
~~~
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Daily Grin February 24
Yay!! I have a long weekend!! Oh, and so does hubby! Our underground parkade is being swept tomorrow morning, so we'll go shopping for a few hours. Maybe we'll find something really good.
Hmmmm.... a day off with LOTS to do!!! J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
~~~
Nothing up His Sleeve
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.
After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"
~~~
Daily Grin February 23
It's still looking good for Friday off. Had another busy day today, and tomorrow will be even more so as I try to clear off as much as possible before my long weekend.
It's almost Friday!! J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
~~~
Rolls-Royce vs. Yugo
A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce.
He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a phone in my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, "Yes, I have a phone."
The driver of the Yugo said, "Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too? I've got one in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."
The driver of the Yugo said, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, "Of course, I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Yugo said, "Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls-Royce.
The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce. So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night.
It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He got out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head out.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!?!"
~~~
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Daily Grin February 22
I had a better sleep last night and got a lot done today at work. Friday off is beginning to look like a definite possibility.
The week is almost done!! J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
You help your dog chase its tail.
~~~
A dog's chalkboard assignments
This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your dog when he/she does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment. Fill in the blanks
1. [xxx] is not food.
Spiders; bandaids; ivy and airplane plants; Xmas ornaments; the carved jack-o-lantern; plants from the aquarium; cat litter box contents; laundry detergent boxes (esp. not when full!); toothpaste (tube and all); remote controls; linoleum; eyeglasses; books; stockings; the tar shingles on my house; chicken wire; bizarre plants; disposable razors; rocks; Lego; dirty Kleenex; the baby's used diaper; Christmas stockings; soda pop cans; fiberglass insulation stuffed up the chimney; the underwear in the clothes hamper; Mommy's hair accessories; Mommy's catnip teabags; unopened honey packets; staples; Christmas stockings; credit cards, CDs, and other thin plastic things.
Spiders; bandaids; ivy and airplane plants; Xmas ornaments; the carved jack-o-lantern; plants from the aquarium; cat litter box contents; laundry detergent boxes (esp. not when full!); toothpaste (tube and all); remote controls; linoleum; eyeglasses; books; stockings; the tar shingles on my house; chicken wire; bizarre plants; disposable razors; rocks; Lego; dirty Kleenex; the baby's used diaper; Christmas stockings; soda pop cans; fiberglass insulation stuffed up the chimney; the underwear in the clothes hamper; Mommy's hair accessories; Mommy's catnip teabags; unopened honey packets; staples; Christmas stockings; credit cards, CDs, and other thin plastic things.
2. I will not lift my leg to the [xxx].
Anything growing in the vegetable garden; house corner; new boyfriend; mailman; woodstove; subordinate pack members; Grandma's plush chair; the conformation judge; good-looking neighbour man that Mommy is trying to impress; Daddy in the lawn chair.
Anything growing in the vegetable garden; house corner; new boyfriend; mailman; woodstove; subordinate pack members; Grandma's plush chair; the conformation judge; good-looking neighbour man that Mommy is trying to impress; Daddy in the lawn chair.
3. I recognize that [xxx] has a right to exist.
The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the aquarium; 3rd grade art projects (even if they are made of macaroni shells); the other dog(s); the TV remote control; the human's little humans; the bath mitt; Rolling Stone magazine; large patterns on wallpaper;
The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the aquarium; 3rd grade art projects (even if they are made of macaroni shells); the other dog(s); the TV remote control; the human's little humans; the bath mitt; Rolling Stone magazine; large patterns on wallpaper;
4. [xxx] is not a toy.
The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the humans' pet cockatiel; newly planted iris bulbs; pillows and blankets from the bed; laundry (dirty OR clean); aquarium plants; stuffed animals from on top of the chest of drawers; pillows and blankets from the newly made bed; the hose that's filling the kiddie pool; the humans' Nerf footballs; human's underwear; Mommy and Daddy's ferrets.
The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the humans' pet cockatiel; newly planted iris bulbs; pillows and blankets from the bed; laundry (dirty OR clean); aquarium plants; stuffed animals from on top of the chest of drawers; pillows and blankets from the newly made bed; the hose that's filling the kiddie pool; the humans' Nerf footballs; human's underwear; Mommy and Daddy's ferrets.
5. I will not chew the [xxx].
Human's homework; human's papers s/he has to mark; remote control; cardboard around the laundry detergent; handles to the lawn tools; garage door; kitchen cabinets; food left within reach on the couch; the mini-human's *full* bottle even though it conveniently fell in front of me from the crib; horse's new saddle; wall; carpet; deck; couch; sofa cushions; expensive paperbacks.
Human's homework; human's papers s/he has to mark; remote control; cardboard around the laundry detergent; handles to the lawn tools; garage door; kitchen cabinets; food left within reach on the couch; the mini-human's *full* bottle even though it conveniently fell in front of me from the crib; horse's new saddle; wall; carpet; deck; couch; sofa cushions; expensive paperbacks.
6. I will not bark at [xxx].
Plastic bags on the ground; the new plow blade on my owner's truck when it is parked; the wind; thunder; the road grader; Daddy's new Santa bear toy (which was innocently sitting on a chair, and had been there for hours before Molly noticed it and took umbrage); tissue paper being blown along the floor by air from the furnace; the spring doorstop when I or the kid flips it and makes it go DOooiiiiinnnnnng; my mother's clean laundry thrown on top of the bed, even if the room is dark and it looks like someone sleeping there; the ball I just pushed into an inaccessible crevice all by myself; the fox/skunk/cat/deer out in the yard at any time after midnight, especially on a work night; the fire hydrant on the corner when out for a walk at night; the car radio; the answering machine lady when she says the date/time; the ice cube that slid under the fridge; the rawhide chewbone that I'm making no headway on; absolutely nothing (especially after 11 PM).
Plastic bags on the ground; the new plow blade on my owner's truck when it is parked; the wind; thunder; the road grader; Daddy's new Santa bear toy (which was innocently sitting on a chair, and had been there for hours before Molly noticed it and took umbrage); tissue paper being blown along the floor by air from the furnace; the spring doorstop when I or the kid flips it and makes it go DOooiiiiinnnnnng; my mother's clean laundry thrown on top of the bed, even if the room is dark and it looks like someone sleeping there; the ball I just pushed into an inaccessible crevice all by myself; the fox/skunk/cat/deer out in the yard at any time after midnight, especially on a work night; the fire hydrant on the corner when out for a walk at night; the car radio; the answering machine lady when she says the date/time; the ice cube that slid under the fridge; the rawhide chewbone that I'm making no headway on; absolutely nothing (especially after 11 PM).
7. I will not dig [xxx].
Under the stove (and through the linoleum); under the sidewalk until it collapses; the carpet; a hole under the porch and then get stuck under it; under my master's pillow at 2 AM to retrieve the bone I hid there earlier; a swimming pool in the back yard;
Under the stove (and through the linoleum); under the sidewalk until it collapses; the carpet; a hole under the porch and then get stuck under it; under my master's pillow at 2 AM to retrieve the bone I hid there earlier; a swimming pool in the back yard;
~~~
Monday, February 21, 2005
Daily Grin February 21
I don't know what it is about Sunday nights, but I never sleep well at all. I'm zonked and heading to bed early, enjoy your grin and bonus grin!
Friday is getting closer!! J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
~~~
The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
~~~
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
~~~
Sunday, February 20, 2005
Daily Grin February 20
Looks like Mail to Blog is working again... let's see if this one works....
Bah.... it's back to work tomorrow. I'm thinking I really need a long weekend and will work toward taking Friday off.... even if I'm not all caught up. I don't think I'll EVER be "all caught up", so why wait for it? Do I sound "determined"? I may need some reminders thru the week.... I think I can, I think I can.....Enjoy the grin... I particularly like number 14!!
Have a happy monday!! J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
You short out motion detectors.
~~~
Washington Post - Part Two
The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and a putz.
~~~
Saturday, February 19, 2005
testing mail to blog
Daily Grin Feb 19
Had a fun day today, how about you?? Enjoy today's grin, it's got a few of my most favorite tee-hee's! (#7 is for Nerak of Colorado)
Have a great weekend!!
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
~~~
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. Also look for the original word and its meaning before looking at the new meaning. It will bring you some smiles! The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
~~~
Have a great weekend!!
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
~~~
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. Also look for the original word and its meaning before looking at the new meaning. It will bring you some smiles! The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
~~~
Daily Grin Feb 18
Wow, it's finally Friday!! I'm exhausted and going to bed.... enjoy the grin...
g'nite!!
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
~~~
Dear Dogs and Cats:
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note: Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is -- kiss me, and then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door...
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Pets:
1.. They live here. You don't.
2.. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3.. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4.. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Lastly, I will try to keep in mind that dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.
~~~
g'nite!!
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
~~~
Dear Dogs and Cats:
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note: Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is -- kiss me, and then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door...
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Pets:
1.. They live here. You don't.
2.. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3.. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4.. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Lastly, I will try to keep in mind that dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.
~~~
Friday, February 18, 2005
Daily Grin Feb 17
Ugh... I'm about ready for a vacation... maybe for a year or two or six. On the bright side, I did get my glasses today. Holy moley!! I can SEE!! They are for reading only and geez... don't try to turn your head with them on... you might fall right off your chair! Now THERE's a warning label I can get behind! lol
omigosh... Friday AGAIN!!
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
You channel surf faster without a remote.
~~~
As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."
His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"
~~~
A 104 year old lady was being interviewed for a newspaper article.
The reporter asked, "What is the best thing about being 104?"
The lady replied, "No peer pressure."
~~~
omigosh... Friday AGAIN!!
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
You channel surf faster without a remote.
~~~
As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."
His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"
~~~
A 104 year old lady was being interviewed for a newspaper article.
The reporter asked, "What is the best thing about being 104?"
The lady replied, "No peer pressure."
~~~
Thursday, February 17, 2005
Daily Grin - Missing in Action?
My apologies for the late grins. Mail to blog is still having "issues" and I am way too lazy to sign in and copy/paste the Daily Grin each day. We ask that you please bear with us. lol
Hopefully the mail-to-blog utility will be back up and running in no time flat and the grin will be posted on a daily basis again. In the meantime, if you want the grin in your mailbox every day, send me an email or post a comment (my addy is in the right column).
G'day eh?
Hopefully the mail-to-blog utility will be back up and running in no time flat and the grin will be posted on a daily basis again. In the meantime, if you want the grin in your mailbox every day, send me an email or post a comment (my addy is in the right column).
G'day eh?
Daily Grin Feb 16
Do I even need to tell ya that today was insanely busy again?? I think I really need to hide in another part of the building tomorrow so nobody can find me... maybe then I'll get some work done!! Ah... who am I kidding.. I DID do lots of work today.... I just need to hide from the people who are bent on giving me more! lol
Have a good nite! J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
Instant coffee takes too long.
~~~
The Kirby Salesman
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a Kirby vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said, "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all trace of this horse manure from your carpet Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
~~~
Have a good nite! J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
Instant coffee takes too long.
~~~
The Kirby Salesman
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a Kirby vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said, "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all trace of this horse manure from your carpet Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
~~~
Daily Grin Feb 15
Had an extremely hectic day today... tomorrow doesn't look good either... gotta get some sleep....
Same time tomorrow! J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
People get dizzy just watching you.
~~~
There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.
A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"
The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"
Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
~~~
Same time tomorrow! J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
People get dizzy just watching you.
~~~
There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.
A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"
The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"
Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
~~~
Daily Grin Feb 14
My new reading glasses weren't ready today but hopefully I'll have them by the end of the week. My hubby brought home a little Valentine Surprise for me! Cannoli from the Italian shop we both enjoy going to. I drooled over the lemon cannoli many times but had never tried it... until today. What a sweetie!! Oh... and what a sweet treat!! mmmmmm....
It was another busy day at work today... aren't they all?
Happy Valentine's Day!
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
~~~
Breakdown...
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
~~~
It was another busy day at work today... aren't they all?
Happy Valentine's Day!
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
~~~
Breakdown...
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
~~~
Sunday, February 13, 2005
Daily Grin Feb 13
Another nice day today, but we stayed in and played sofa spud today. Back to work tomorrow and it's going to be a busy one for me. I wonder if my new reading glasses will be ready?
Happy Valentine's Day!
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
~~~
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said with a wink.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
~~~
Happy Valentine's Day!
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
~~~
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said with a wink.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
~~~
Daily Grin Feb 12
We have been enjoying spring-like temps this weekend. Today it was in the low 30's which is pretty warm for us this time of year. Today was pretty uneventful and we are busy relaxing... this is what weekends are all about.
Enjoy! J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
~~~
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
~~~
Enjoy! J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
~~~
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
~~~
Saturday, February 12, 2005
Daily Grin February 10
My books came today. Sure was fast!! I ordered them from Amazon.com just last Tuesday. I now have The Last Juror by John Grisham and Wolves of the Calla (Dark Tower V) - Stephen King. I am just finishing book 3 of the Dark Tower series and I should breeze through book 4 (even though it's HUGE) once I get my new reading glasses next week, then I can move on to book 5 and should be able to squeeze in another book before number 6 in the series comes available in paperback this summer.
Hey.... it's Friday tomorrow! J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
You can jump-start your car without cables.
~~~
Gone Fishing...
A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?"
He says, "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
His wife smiles and says, "Oh no, I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"
~~~
Friday, February 11, 2005
Daily Grin February 11
Another busy week has come to an end. I already know that Monday will be a very hectic day and I'm hoping that the rest of the week will calm down but I'm pretty sure it won't. Either way, I'm planning for a relaxing weekend. I don't foresee any trips to Urgent Care and I'm looking forward to getting my new reading glasses next week.
Have a great weekend! J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
You don't sweat, you percolate.
~~~
Diary - Personal Trainer
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Monday:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I
arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. (He is something of a Greek God with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!) Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. (I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring.) Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. (He is something of a Greek God with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!) Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. (I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring.) Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air....then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worth while. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my
mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked my Explorer on top of a GEO in the club lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. (His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying). My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. (Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?) Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked my Explorer on top of a GEO in the club lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. (His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying). My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. (Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?) Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
Thursday:
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were
pulled back in a full snarl. (I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes). Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the women's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine....which I sank.
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were
pulled back in a full snarl. (I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes). Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the women's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine....which I sank.
Friday:
I hate that Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the
history of the world. (Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader wanna-be). If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna sans laude from, you Nazi ). The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
history of the world. (Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader wanna-be). If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna sans laude from, you Nazi ). The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday:
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I
did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my day planner. However, I lacked the strength even to use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the weather channel.
did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my day planner. However, I lacked the strength even to use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the weather channel.
Sunday:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank the lord that
this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun.....like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun.....like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
~~~
Daily Grin February 9
It's almost Friday!! My wonderful hubby mailed me a Valentine's Day card and it
arrived today, I got a little thank you gift in the mail from my volunteer job and there's a package waiting for me at the post office!! All in all, it's been a good "mail day". The package at the post office probably contains the books I ordered from Amazon.com last week.
arrived today, I got a little thank you gift in the mail from my volunteer job and there's a package waiting for me at the post office!! All in all, it's been a good "mail day". The package at the post office probably contains the books I ordered from Amazon.com last week.
Have a great
week! J
week! J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
~~~
Dot Com
And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)".
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums, as long as he could have his way with her.
And Dot said, "There will be a lot of banging in the land". And Abraham replied, "It is my most fervent wish that this be so".
And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as
doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother
William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.
William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others". And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay", he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what we are".
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators".
"Whoopee!", said Abraham.
"No, YAHOO!", said Dot Com.
~~~
hmmm... problem with mail to blog again!
The Grin has been delayed by a problem with mail-to-blog. Should be resolved soon and you can start grinning again! In the meantime, enjoy the archives!
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Daily Grin February 8
We are experiencing another cold snap!! It was -22F this morning. Should be seeing some spring-like weather soon! We still have a lot of snow on the ground so I'm hoping for a slow thaw.
Have a great week! J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
~~~
Joe's wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch.
His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing?"
Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."
~~~
Monday, February 07, 2005
Daily Grin February 7
Good news!! The "halo-vision" is gone!! My close up vision is still blurry in that eye, so I went for a complete eye check up today. My eyes are somewhat dry and the doc feels that the dryness combined with my mild astigmatism and eyestrain/fatigue led to the halo dealy-thingy. He prescribed new reading glasses. These are quite a lot stronger than my last reading glasses (which, by the way, do NOT help me see right now!) The new specs won't be ready for a week or more, so in the meantime, reading and up close work will continue to fatigue my eyes. I can use hubby's reading glasses in a pinch and hey, I can still see just fine with my other eye!!
Here's another grin for ya! J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
~~~
You Know You are From A small Town When ...
1. The local phone book has only one yellow page.
2. Third Street is on the edge of town.
3. The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine.
4. You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.
5. You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going, anyway.
6. No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.
7. You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one.
8. Everyone knows all the news before it's published; they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right.
9. The McDonalds only has only one Golden Arch.
10. A "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes.
11. You have to name six surrounding towns to explain to people where you're from.
12. Headline news is who grew the biggest vegetable this year.
13. You can name everyone you graduated with.
14. School gets canceled for state sporting events.
15. Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.
16. Directions are given using "the" stop light as a reference
17. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.
~~~
Sunday, February 06, 2005
Daily Grin February 6
After all the excitement yesterday, I'm happy to report that there's not much to report!! My eye is still wonky, so I'll be calling the eye doc in the morning for an ASAP appointment. Still have some halo-vision and a difficulty with focus on close items. Reading is a chore right now. Hubby's reading glasses help a little, but my own glasses don't do diddly-squat for it.
As promised, here's a GRIN for ya! J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
You chew on other people's fingernails.
~~~
***With advance apologies to our male readers***
Coming to a Community College near You!!
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN
ALL ARE WELCOME
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN
ALL ARE WELCOME
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants. Sign up early and get a discount on registration. The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS - Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS -- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS? - Roundtable discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR - Practicing with hamper. Pictures and graphics.
THE AFTER DINNER DISHES & SILVERWARE - DO THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES? - Debate among a panel of experts.
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING. Open forum
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS: DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE TRASH BIN? - Group discussion and role-play
HEALTH WATCH - BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH. - PowerPoint presentation
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST - A real life testimonial from the one man who did.
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? - Driving simulation
LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE.
On-line class and role playing
On-line class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION - Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE - Bring your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT. LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME - Individual counselors available
~~~
Saturday, February 05, 2005
Daily Grin February 5
A three hour tour.... a three hour tour!!!
I had a weird thing happen yesterday. Visual halo at night. Then this morning, my eye was tearing a little. I thought I might have the beginnings of an eye infection. Did a little reading on the internet and halos are one of those 911 eye problems. I called our Health Links line (staffed by nurses) to ask if this was something I could watch... see my family doc... see an optometrist.... She asked me a gazillion questions and determined that I needed medical attention today. She advised I go to our Urgent Care center.
Long story short, I may have corneal edema, but the doc ruled out glaucoma, retinal detachment and retinopathy. I also walked away wondering how spending 6 hours waiting to see a doctor could happen in an "urgent" care setting. The triage nurse told me that my type of problem put me higher on the priority list, and everyone assured me that it was absolutely necessary that I be seen by a doctor today. I don't think I'll ever go back to urgent care... I'll use the ER next time I have a situation that requires immediate attention. The triage system at UC sucks. Some poor woman had fallen and landed on her tailbone. She had numbness in her hands and was in agony. Her husband was trying to handle her in a wheelchair, a toddler and a newborn. The woman was in obvious distress and was told that she'd have to wait unless her legs were numb or her BP was thru the roof. This is how free medical care works. It doesn't. They did manage to get her in pretty quick, but they did make her wait and judging how long I waited in the exam room before a doc saw me (2 hours), getting her in quickly probably didn't make a big difference to her.
I am to see an optometrist in 3 days if I'm still seeing halos. Apparently, this problem may be viral and it's not a definitive diagnosis. It's just when you rule out all the other causes of visual halo in dim light, this is what's left. I'll see an optometrist in 3 days if my vision is still blurry in that eye.
Alright, now that i have THAT off my chest... here's a real groaner for ya! J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
~~~
There was a crowd of bees flying around one day. These bees were most peculiar. They were powered by gasoline, rather than the allergenic goodies that bees usually eat. As the crowd flew along, periodically a bee or two would start to sputter; it would fly down to a gas station, drink up the gas spilled in fueling a car, and then fly up and rejoin the crowd.
One bee began to sputter a little, but flew right by an open gas station. As he passed the second station, he coughing badly, but still he flew on. Finally, as he was on his last fumes, he dove down to a station and gassed up.
When he rejoined the crowd, his neighbor challenged him: "Look, you passed right by an open station when you started to get low. You passed another station when you were perilously low. And finally, you ran out of gas just in time to glide into that last station. Are you crazy?"
He replied, "Well, it's like this. The first station was a Gulf station. I really don't like Gulf at all. The second station was a Texaco station. That's even worse. But the third station was an Esso station. Let me tell you, Esso is my brand of gasoline. You know what they say don't you? ...
There's an Esso Bee in every crowd!"
~~~
Friday, February 04, 2005
Daily Grin February 4
We're seeing some of the last of the groans.... are you ready for giggles??
Hey.... it's the weekend!! Have a good one!! J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
~~~
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So, the rival hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving once and for all that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
~~~
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Daily Grin February 3
Will the groans ever end??
Hey.... it's the weekend!! Have a good one!! J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
~~~
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" She cried. $150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged and explained, "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."
~~~
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Daily Grin February 2
I'm pooped from all the giggling over the groans, so I'll keep this short (kinda like me!) Tomorrow is the three year anniversary of my quit smoking day! I won't ever forget it, because my last day as a smoker was a Groundhog Day and even easier to remember, my last day as a smoker was 02/02/02 (Feb 2, 2002)! Anyone want to take up a challenge to make 05/05/05 YOUR last day as a smoker?
There's a followup to yesterday's grin.... it's today's Bonus Grin!! J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
~~~
A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption at birth. One of the twins went to a family in Egypt, and was named "Amal." The other twin went to a family in Spain, and they named him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responded, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
~~~
Bonus Grin
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now theres a word-of-the-day...), Quasimodo continued his interviews for a new bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Sir, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
Quasimodo agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless mans brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing Quasimodo's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.
"I dont know his name," sighed the distraught Quasimodo ...
".... But hes a dead ringer for his brother." !"
~~~
