Thursday, September 30, 2004
Daily Grin September 30
Okay, you can stop holding your breath now... I bought a car!! I got a call this afternoon from one of the salesmen I spoke with on Tuesday. He had the car I was looking for, in the range I wanted to spend. Okay, a little more than what I *wanted* to spend, but the car was everything I wanted. It will need new tires next year, but they are good for now.
I got in late and have to work in the morning... I'll try to catch up over the weekend. I have the bank draft and pick up the car tomorrow.
See ya!! J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
~~~
9 Types of Boyfriends
Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the butt
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the butt
Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams
The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
~~~
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
Daily Grin September 29
Okay... don't ask!! lol I did go and test drive a couple of cars but could NOT get it through the salesman's head that he should stop showing me cars that were double my range! I did finally get someone to listen to me and we looked at one that was within my range but it didn't have an automatic transmission. It was a stick-shift. I haven't driven a standard stick in about 24 years, and even then it was only once... but hey..... I'm game... especially if it might improve my bargaining position. Would you believe they would not budge on the price?? There was a few things I noticed that needed to be repaired and they wouldn't commit to repairing them and wouldn't discount the price of the car either. Anyway, driving a stick was fun and I remembered most of all the stuff you need to do. I drove it twice and only stalled it 3 times and those were all in the "trying to get off the line" stage. I did very good after that!
So that was my excitement for the day. Tomorrow is my appt with the bank and then more test drives. I am determined to get a car this weekend... but I am equally determined to not get HOSED!
See ya!! J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
~~~
Your Dog's Barking
Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone...
"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.
Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.
The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back ...
"Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't *have* a dog."
~~~
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Daily Grin September 28
Surprisingly enough, the car made it to the office. That was the last time I'll drive the car though.... it's in worse shape than we thought.
I'm seriously hunting for a replacement and need to get one by the weekend. It's not looking great, but I will find something.
Work was hectic and will be even more so tomorrow. Is it Friday yet??
ack!! J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
He who laughs last thinks slowest
~~~
How to Tell the Weather
To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Sincerely,
The CAT
The CAT
~~~
Monday, September 27, 2004
Daily Grin September 27
Ohhh nooooo!!! The "car" started making a very bad noise today. I was very happy to see my hubby outside when I got home so I could get him to take a ride around the block with me. If I hadn't, he'd be thinking to himself "oh there she goes, imagining another noise!" lol. He'd believe me, he'd just think I was blowing it out of proportion. Know what he said after our rid around the block?? Wonder if it will get you to work in the morning. ACK! We had planned to replace our car next year. Looks like next year is coming early and I'm glad I just got a raise and promotion!
Speaking of work, it's getting hectic, but not too bad for right now. Wish me luck on the drive in tomorrow.
ack!! J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
~~~
A Bachelor's Kitchen Guide
- Freezer Foods:
- Ice Cream
- If you can't tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it's time to throw BOTH out.
-
- Frozen Foods
- Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
-
-
- In the Fridge:
- Eggs
- When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
-
- Dairy Products
- Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yoghurt. Yoghurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway - if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon appetite!
-
- Meat
- If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.
-
- Unmarked Items
- You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food.
-
- General Rule of Thumb
- Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.
-
-
- On the Shelf:
- Canned Goods
- Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of... Very carefully.
-
- Potatoes
- Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
-
- The Gag Test
- Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
-
- Bread
- Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable Âspots that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.
-
- Cereal
- It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date, or when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.
-
- Flour
- Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open it.
-
- Pretzels
- Normally eternal, pretzels may be discarded if they can no longer be picked up without falling apart. Otherwise, there's nothing to stop you from eating a pretzel that the Pharaoh put down only 4000 years ago.
-
- Raisins
- Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.
-
- Salt
- It never spoils. However, if you can't chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours.
-
- Spices
- Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will.
-
- Vinegar
- If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good.
-
-
- Expiration Dates:
- This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Even dry foods older than you are may be ready to replace. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
-
~~~
Sunday, September 26, 2004
Daily Grin September 26
We had a relaxing weekend. Didn't go shopping today, so that will just have to wait. Not sure what the week will bring, but it should be interesting.
Hope you have a good sleep and an interesting week!! J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
~~~
Cat Mind Games
Stare with the exact same expression whether you're looking at nothing or at an ax murderer.
Wait till your human lays out their clothes and decide this would be the perfect place to take a nap.
Race through the house, hair on end and stop in an attack pose. Then walk off nonchalantly. Repeat as necessary.
Play with invisible objects.
Wait till your human is asleep and jump up and start kneading any available body parts.
Figure-8 your human's legs while they are walking around the kitchen cooking something you won't get a bite of.
Before your human gets out of their bed, make sure you're napping in the bathroom doorway.
Leave gifts of small animal body parts in your human' s shoes. Then wait to be praised. Stalk off if not rewarded for your gift.
If you absolutly have to go to the vet, cling to your human's head, howling at the top of your lungs and spew hairballs on the vet.
Wait till your human is eating, then jump on the table and shed.
Using the litterbox at your human's mealtimes can be great fun.
~~~
Saturday, September 25, 2004
Daily Grin September 25
Ah, finally, the weekend!! We have been busy relaxing and trying to settle down after the hectic week we had. There's a lot I want to get done around here, but never seem to have the time. Maybe tomorrow. Sure... that could happen! lol
I did get a few projects finished today and we might go shopping tomorrow to finish spending my gift certificates... I still have part of the recognition award from work and part of my golf prizes to spend. If you don't recall, our company had a golf tournament last month and my team came in second and I won the ladies putting contest. We are seriously thinking of getting a DVD player. I hope we find one because we already have some DVD's to play on it!! lol
Hope you are all enjoying the weekend!! J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
Remember half the people you know are below average.
~~~
How to Prepare for a New Cat
Take cold chicken and stars soup straight from the can and splash it across the carpet and the foot of the bed and then walk in it in the dark with your socks on.
Set up a mouse trap at the foot of the bed each night so that if you move a toe one inch while you are sleeping, you are sure to get snapped.
Cover all your best suits with cat hair. Dark suits must use white hair, and light suits must use dark hair. Also, float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning.
Put everything cat-toy sized into a water bowl to marinate.
Practice cutting your chicken into teeny tiny bites so that when they steal, it won't be the whole breast.
Tip over a basket of clean laundry, and scatter clothing all over the floor.
Leave your underwear on the living room floor, because that's where the cat will drag it anyway (especially when you have company).
Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV program and run to the t.v. shouting "No! No! Don't chew on the electric cord!" Miss the end of the program.
Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the corner of the living room in the morning and don't try to clean it up until you return from work that evening.
Gouge the surface of the dining room table several times with an exacto knife. It's going to get scratched anyway.
Practice searching every closet and open cabinet door before you shut it.
Knock all small items off your kitchen counter.
Chew the eraser off every pencil in the house.
Take a fork and shred the roll of toliet paper while it's still hanging up. Pull a few sheets off and scatter them around the bathroom.
Take a staple remover and punch two holes in every scrap of paper around the house.
Get a litter tray without a lid and mix in some tootsie rolls with cat litter and then tip it over right before the company comes. Make sure your guests get to find this before you do.
Buy a mixed bag of cat toys and stuff them under the refrigerator. Practice getting up at 2AM and fishing them out with a ruler or broom stick.
Take a warm cuddly blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it around yourself. This is the feeling you will get when your new cat falls asleep on your lap.
~~~
Friday, September 24, 2004
Daily Grin September 24
I had such a busy week, I forgot to mention that we bought tickets last weekend to a comedy show that is coming up next month. The show is part of the Just For Laughs comedy tour. Just For Laughs is a comedy festival in Montreal. We aren't going to Montreal, but 6 comedy acts are coming to our city. You can find out more about the show here: http://www.hahaha.com/comedy_tour/artists.aspx?l=en-ca&id=list
We are both looking forward to a night of laughs at our local Concert Hall and I have a feeling that I'll really need a night out by then! lol
It was a pretty busy day again and I'm really looking forward to the weekend.
Isn't everyone??! J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
~~~
How to Photograph a Cat
Put the cat on a pillow.
Set up your camera.
Put the cat back on the pillow.
Get a bowl of food and put it next to the pillow.
Put the cat back on the pillow.
Grab the food bowl and follow the cat. As you run, hold the bowl in your cat's face, tempting her to eat.
See if the neighbours will come over and pick up the sofa while you snap a picture of the cat underneath.
Cross the names of your neighbours off the list for your next party.
Put the cat back on the pillow.
Place a catnip-stuffed mouse in front of your cat and wait for your cat to go crazy.
Go back to the pet store and demand a refund.
Decide on a family portrait with the cat instead.
To stop the argument over which child gets to pose with the cat, agree to take pictures of each child holding the cat on her lap.
Tell each child that it doesn't matter who holds the cat first because you'll shuffle the pictures after they're developed and look at them in a different order than the order they were taken.
Get more cats, one for each child, and go back to step one.
~~~
Thursday, September 23, 2004
Daily Grin September 23
Okay, lunch meetings, dinner meetings and lots of meetings today. I'm zonked, but the weekend is almost here!!
I had a good day today. Tomorrow should be good also. See ya then!! J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
~~~
Who Needs Expensive Alarm Clocks?
Buy a cat. Feed it every morning at 7:30 or whenever it is that you need to get up.
Then throw out your cheesey $8 alarm clock. Your cat will take its place handily. No more oversleeping-- your cat doesn't have a snooze bar!
Your cat can't be turned off. You can't forget to set your cat the night before. Even if you leave your cat outside, it will pound on your window until you wake up.
Your cat has a series of alarm modes with gradually increasing signal intensity:
- soft mews
- insistent meows
- insistent meows three inches from your face
- pats on your cheek
- four heavy paws planted in your chest
- claws in your face
All this, for the cost of shots, neutering, assorted vet bills, and one can of Nine Lives a day for the next 12 years
~~~
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
Daily Grin September 22
So... guess who called the mirror dude today. And guess what?? The mirror dude had the mirror there. So guess who finally has the mirror!!! Oh, and guess who is never going back to THAT barn again!!? Sheesh!
I hinted yesterday about some changes at work. Well... things started changing today and the first big change was a big ol' promotion for yours truly. It means a lot more responsibility, and lots of training at first, but this will be good for me in the long run (so they say). I have a hectic few days coming up with lots of meetings and even dinner out tomorrow night. You'll still get your grin, but it might be late and I might not have much energy for much of an update.
See ya tomorrow!! J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
~~~
A Cat Workout Program
Cat fitness really can be fun. However, it is important to start any fitness program only when you feel like it. Don't let a few extra pounds intimidate you into becoming more active. The most important aspect of fitness is: when to start the program. The best time is at about 2 a.m. The house is quiet; there are no distractions. The warm-up is critical. Cats are experts at stretching, so this won't be a problem. Start with a few wind sprints, full speed, toenails clicking on the tile or linoleum floors. A few low but loud growls will help you feel charged up.
Now it is time to add some eye-paw coordination work. Find a marble (the big steelies work even better) and roll that down the floor as the sprints continue. See how many times you can ricochet it off the wallboards before it disappears under the fridge. Finally, work on that upper body strength. Climbing is a great exercise. Use draperies, macramé plant hangers, or clothing on hangers. You can even find some carpeting on some basement walls. Backs of chairs work well, too.
Now put it all together. A speed sprint to the end of the hall! A race around the living room! Leap to the back of the rocking chair! Let the rebound launch you to the top of the swinging planter! Rock that baby! Feel those muscles work. Just as the hook pulls loose from the ceiling, dash to the bedroom and dive under the covers. Establish your alibi just in time to hear the crash of the plant to the floor below.
Have a good Work-Out!
~~~
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Daily Grin September 21
Okay, still no call from the mirror dude... so I called to see what was up. What's up is that the mirror which was ordered last Wednesday for "tomorrow delivery" STILL hasn't arrived, even though they told me on Friday that it would be in on Monday (yesterday). Now the story is that the mirror will be in tomorrow... of course, tomorrow never comes.
There's been some changes at work which may be good for me in the long run. It's still too soon to tell. I did have some overtime work that I did at home this evening, so I'll keep this short.
Hope you all have a great nite! J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
~~~
Warning Signs Your Cat is Too Fat
- Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.
- Confused guests constantly mistaking her for beanbag chair.
- Always lands on her spleen.
- Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden upsurge in broken branches.
- Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.
- No longer cleans itself unless coated in Cheese Whiz.
- Catfood dish replaced with Rush Limbaugh trough.
- Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pants suit.
- It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.
- "Steals breath" from all five quintuplets, simultaneously.
- Waits until the third bowl of food to get finicky.
- He only catches mice that get trapped in his gravitational pull.
- Enormous gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed.
- Has more chins than lives.
~~~
Monday, September 20, 2004
Daily Grin September 20
There won't be any air conditioning this week, but luckily, the weather took a turn for the worse. It's cool again!! Yay!!
Surprise surprise, no call from the mirror dude today. Maybe he thought I was going to call him? Maybe tomorrow... I was too busy to deal with him today. J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
~~~
Doggie Pledge
- I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
- I will not burn rubber through the open car window and into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.
- The computer's mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.
- I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
- I will not throw up in the car.
- I will scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on.
- I will not steal used sanitary napkins from the bathroom garbage.
- I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
- I will not eat other animals' poop.
- I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
- I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.
- "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
- I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.
- The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
- I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.
- I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
- I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
- I will not chew crayons or pens, 'specially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
- When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
- I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.
- We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
- I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
- The sofa is not a face towel.
- Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
- My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
- I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
- I will not play tug-o'-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
- I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
- I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
- The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
- I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
~~~
Sunday, September 19, 2004
Daily Grin September 19
Omigosh!! We are hotter than Tampa today!! Despite our best efforts to keep it cool in here, the temperature inside is about 82F right now. It's cooled down to 82 outside, but the humidex is 95. All I know is that I'm looking forward to going to work tomorrow because there is AC there!!
I even dug out the old box fan that I have been hanging onto for several years. We keep saying we should get rid of it because we almost never use it, but believe me... today we were both glad that we still have it!
I'm going to have trouble sleeping tonight. I don't like heat and it won't be cooling much overnight. We are also expecting thunderboomers tonight.
Hope we get some cooler weather tomorrow, but the weather folks say it's more of the same!
So much for a relaxing weekend... we both spent the day just trying to stay cool. L
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
~~~
10 Reasons Why It's Great to be a Dog
- If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.
- No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.
- Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair.
- Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.
- No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you're cute.
- Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.
- You can spend hours just smelling stuff.
- No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.
- It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.
- Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.
~~~
Saturday, September 18, 2004
Daily Grin September 18
Wouldn't you know it... we are having a mini heat wave just days after our building management decides to turn off the air conditioning and turns on the HEAT!! Today hit near 80 and tomorrow is going to be mid 80's. Guess who cooked her Saturday roast in the crockpot today??
In the meantime, we're having a relaxing, enjoyable weekend here. J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
On the other hand.....
.....you have different fingers.
~~~
BUYING PAINT FROM A HARDWARE STORE
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: We have regular quality for $12 a gallon and premium for $18. How many gallons would you like?
Customer: Five gallons of regular quality, please.
Clerk: Great. That will be $60 plus tax.
BUYING PAINT FROM AN AIRLINE
Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.
Customer: Depends on what?
Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.
Customer: How about giving me an average price?
Clerk: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint.
Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 version?
Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be kidding!
Clerk: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course, I'll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.
Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there.
Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went to $12.
Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking!
Clerk: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest that you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: I don't know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.
Clerk: Oh, no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: What?
Clerk: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.
Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and when you don't, it just causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Yes, sir, it will.
Customer: Well, that does it! I'm going somewhere else to buy my paint.
Clerk: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. Thanks for painting with our airline
~~~
Friday, September 17, 2004
Daily Grin September 17
Okay, this will be hard for you to believe, but it is absolutely TRUE!!! The mirror guy called me today (ok, that's not really the "hard to believe" part). Flashback to Wednesday, when I popped into the autobody shop after my doc appointment. Three of us looked in the book and found the right mirror for my car (or at least we all agreed that it should work) and the mirror dude ordered it while I stood there. The person on the phone said, "yep, you'll have it tomorrow". The mirror dude must have repeated that part about three times..."tomorrow, then. Okay great.... tomorrow". Looked at me and said "it should be here tomorrow".
Well, "tomorrow" was yesterday and I didn't get a call. Today, I got a call. Guess what?? The place it was ordered from got a little confused and failed to "rush order" the mirror so that it would arrive the next day (code for "tomorrow"). Instead, the mirror will (should) arrive Monday. I'm hoping that they mean Monday, September 20, 2004 but I'm learning not to assume anything.
I have become convinced that I will be getting either a lapbelt or a headlight instead of a mirror. If I should happen to actually get a mirror, I'm certain that it will be a rearview mirror instead of the door/side mirror. At this point, I'm ready to duct tape a hand mirror to the side of my car.
Have a great weekend !! J
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
A day without sunshine is like... night.
~~~
Obtainable Affirmations
- As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
- I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
- I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
- I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.
- In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
- Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
- My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.
- I honour my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.
- I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
~~~
Thursday, September 16, 2004
Daily Grin September 16
Today turned out to be a better day at work. I got plenty of stuff cleared off my desk and have placed 4 days of mail in front of my computer to be opened tomorrow. I'll feel much better once the mail is opened and sorted through. I didn't hear from the mirror dudes today and that's fine by me... I didn't really want to go there today anyway. I had better things to do. Maybe they'll call tomorrow. We'll see.
Hope you enjoy the grins, see you tomorrow !! J
TGIF!!
~~~
From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
~~~
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Oh that's beautiful, just beautiful!"
~~~
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
Daily Grin September 15
Got to my doc appointment today, then popped into the bodyshop to see about the mirror. They had some in, but none of them worked. I took a look at the book they were ordering from and together, we might have come up with one that will fit. We'll see... it will be available tomorrow.
It's been a very busy week for me at work and at home and the rest of the week looks like more of the same. Hopefully, it will be busy without being "crazy-busy".
Today is the last of the Southern Words ....see you tomorrow!!! J
~~~
Southern Word of the Day
Yurp - a continent overseas
~~~
Little-Known Handicaps
Yield Deficit Disorder (YDD)
This affliction, which disproportionately affects women and the elderly, is serious and can be life threatening. Those with YDD experience perceptive problems which prevent them from entering a traffic stream already in motion. Typically, the sufferer moves in the yield lane at one to two miles per hour hoping for a two *hour* or two *mile* lull in traffic. When this does not occur, the YDD patient simply closes his or her eyes and begins moving into traffic while praying fervently.
This affliction, which disproportionately affects women and the elderly, is serious and can be life threatening. Those with YDD experience perceptive problems which prevent them from entering a traffic stream already in motion. Typically, the sufferer moves in the yield lane at one to two miles per hour hoping for a two *hour* or two *mile* lull in traffic. When this does not occur, the YDD patient simply closes his or her eyes and begins moving into traffic while praying fervently.
Cerebral Phlebitis
The primary symptom of this male-only disease is an enormous swelling of the head. If left unchecked, it can affect brain functions, causing the sufferer to inaccurately recall past performance in job-related activities, social situations, and even the size of certain reproductive body parts. The only known cure for cerebral phlebitis is a risky procedure known as a "Marriage of Equals." This is an extremely dangerous, open-heart operation which often fails.
The primary symptom of this male-only disease is an enormous swelling of the head. If left unchecked, it can affect brain functions, causing the sufferer to inaccurately recall past performance in job-related activities, social situations, and even the size of certain reproductive body parts. The only known cure for cerebral phlebitis is a risky procedure known as a "Marriage of Equals." This is an extremely dangerous, open-heart operation which often fails.
Bingivitis
This inexplicable disease affects only individuals who are directly in front of me at the Kentucky Fried Chicken buffet, or similar food bars. It causes them to take the last piece of Original Recipe chicken, the last scoop of stuffing; basically, to load down their plate like Fred does at the beginning of the Flintstones when the Bronto Ribs tip over his car. The bingivits sufferer goes on to find a seat, leaving me with some soggy, vinegar-soaked greens and jiggling Tahiti Salad to choose from.
This inexplicable disease affects only individuals who are directly in front of me at the Kentucky Fried Chicken buffet, or similar food bars. It causes them to take the last piece of Original Recipe chicken, the last scoop of stuffing; basically, to load down their plate like Fred does at the beginning of the Flintstones when the Bronto Ribs tip over his car. The bingivits sufferer goes on to find a seat, leaving me with some soggy, vinegar-soaked greens and jiggling Tahiti Salad to choose from.
Cheeriosclerosis
Also known as "hardening of the cereal," this frightening male condition results from leaving the cereal or other late night snack out on the coffee table overnight. In the morning, the crusty remains are harder than diamonds, impenetrable by soaking or even repeated and vigorous fork-jamming. Frequently, the only solution is a dangerous "bowl transplant" which involves trying to replace the bowl with an identical one without your wife knowing it. Sadly, in most cases the new bowl is rejected.
Also known as "hardening of the cereal," this frightening male condition results from leaving the cereal or other late night snack out on the coffee table overnight. In the morning, the crusty remains are harder than diamonds, impenetrable by soaking or even repeated and vigorous fork-jamming. Frequently, the only solution is a dangerous "bowl transplant" which involves trying to replace the bowl with an identical one without your wife knowing it. Sadly, in most cases the new bowl is rejected.
Post-Traumatic Dress Syndrome
This debilitating disease strikes women, primarily in the child-bearing ages. After a choosing an outfit to wear for work or play, the afflicted woman simply *locks up* in fear and delusional paranoia, muttering about the unsuitability of the chosen ensemble. During a flare-up, if the patient's spouse asks "what's the problem?" or speaks at all, this triggers a massive escalation of the condition which can be life-threatening to the spouse, and will cause the patient to shout "I HATE MY CLOTHES!" and lock herself in the room. There is no cure, other than more and more dresses or an evening's worth of uninterrupted compliments and reassurance.
This debilitating disease strikes women, primarily in the child-bearing ages. After a choosing an outfit to wear for work or play, the afflicted woman simply *locks up* in fear and delusional paranoia, muttering about the unsuitability of the chosen ensemble. During a flare-up, if the patient's spouse asks "what's the problem?" or speaks at all, this triggers a massive escalation of the condition which can be life-threatening to the spouse, and will cause the patient to shout "I HATE MY CLOTHES!" and lock herself in the room. There is no cure, other than more and more dresses or an evening's worth of uninterrupted compliments and reassurance.
~~~
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
Daily Grin September 14
Okay, I lied... today was MORE hectic than yesterday was. I met my deadlines, so that was a good thing.
I have the morning off tomorrow, so I'll have my doc appt and try to fit in a few errands before I get back to the office.
Enjoy the evil grin!! J
~~~
Southern Word of the Day
Warter - what you worsh your face in
~~~
Is this the party to whom I am speaking?? *snort*
It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang.
"Hello?" I said.
A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?"
I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored.
I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"
"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.
"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."
Silence on the other end... a confused silence.
"Is this Steve?"
My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.
So I replied, "Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"
"Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated voice.
I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00."
A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!"
"The girl he went out with."
"I know that! I mean... who is she?"
"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?"
"Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."
She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"
She exploded, "Who's Jennifer?"
Apparently she wasn't.
"Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake."
"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home."
I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this..."
*Click*
~~~
Monday, September 13, 2004
Daily Grin September 13
As predicted, I had a very hectic, busy day. Unfortunately, I did not get everything done today that needed to be done so, tomorrow will be just as hectic.
The autobody shop did call to say that they have ordered a selection of mirrors (four of them!) and that they should be in tomorrow. I have a doc appt Wednesday morning, so I might pop in to the autobody shop after my appt, since it's on my way back to the office. I almost feel like I should be taking bets on this mirror thing! lol
I need some sleep, so.... g'nite!! J
~~~
Southern Word of the Day
Worsh - go worsh your face
~~~
Everything I Need to Know
I Learned from Corporate America
- Indecision is the key to flexibility.
- The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
- Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
- Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
- I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
- One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
- Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
- There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
- Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
- The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.
~~~
Sunday, September 12, 2004
Daily Grin September 12
Well, the lamp got cleaned up and plugged in today and the plug wires were shorting out. So, off to the hardware store we went. DH lets me do these things because I enjoy them, but he would gladly do it himself. We have our "roles"... he does plumbing and I do electrical. The lamp looks great, it has a new plug and is working fine, but I do want a different shade on it. Maybe tomorrow.
Speaking of tomorrow, it will be a very hectic, busy day at work for me. I'm also expecting to hear from the bodyshop about my side mirror sometime this week. Tomorrow might be that day.
Spike TV is showing CSI reruns at two episodes each weeknight starting tomorrow with the pilot. Third Watch has its season opener on Friday and Dr. Phil's new season starts tomorrow too. Would someone please watch all these for me and write a brief synopsis for me each day? lol
Have a great week!! J
~~~
Southern Word of the Day
War - a bobbed war fance
~~~
All I Need To Know About Life
I Learned From My Dog...
- Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
- Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
- When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
- Run, romp, and play daily.
- Be loyal.
- Never pretend to be something you're not.
- Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
- If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
- When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
- Thrive on affection and let people touch you - enjoy back rubs and pats on your neck.
- When you leave your yard, make it an adventure.
- Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
- No matter how often you're scolded, don't pout - run right back and make friends.
- Bond with your pack.
- On cold nights, curl up in front of a crackling fire.
- When you're excited, speak up.
- When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
- Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
- If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
- Don't go out without ID.
- Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
- Always give people a friendly greeting.
- If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
~~~
Daily Grin September 11
Well, it's another Saturday and that means... shopping! We made an extra stop today at a thrift shop because my DH had spotted an attractive lamp in the window not long ago. The price was right and the lamp was in excellent condition, so we are happily providing it with a new home. We also made a stop at a used bookstore and traded in some older books.
I'm about to go relax with a dish of Hagen Daaz Chocolate, Chocolate Chip ice cream, so... if you'll excuse me.....
Enjoy the grin!! J
~~~
Southern Word of the Day
Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart
~~~
Self-Evident Truths About Pets
Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it forever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
Dogs shed, cats shred.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
People that hate cats will come back as dogs in their next life.
We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?
Women and cats will do as they please ... men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
~~~
In memory of the lives lost
and those changed forever
on September 11, 2001.
and those changed forever
on September 11, 2001.
~~~
