The Daily Grin

Daily Grin July 28 2007

2007-07-28T09:53:00.000-05:00

*------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

A friend and her young son, Reid, were browsing in a large bookstore. Engrossed in making a selection, my friend had lost sight of her child. "Reid!" she called out, noticing the boy was missing. "Reid!"

Just as she spotted her son in the next aisle, she bumped into another customer. "Pardon me, ma'am," he said, "but most folks come here because they already like to read. No sense wasting your time trying to convince them."

News from the Daily Grin

2007-06-10T20:33:00.000-05:00

Please visit http://click-buy-enjoy.com

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stockone year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left ofthe original $1000.00. With WorldCom, you wouldhave had less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased$1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you wouldhave $49.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth ofbeer one year ago, drunk all the beer, then turned inthe cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND,you would have had $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investmentadvice is to drink heavily and recycle. It's called the 401-Keg Plan.

Daily Grin July 29 2006

2006-07-31T23:02:00.000-05:00

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!"

Daily Grin March 2 2006

2006-03-02T07:34:00.000-06:00

If you are going to live or visit in the South, you need to know these rules.

1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent.

4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for -- bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.

8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

9. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet. You want it hot -- sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened -- add a lot of water.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

11. So you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when its red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast). We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.

14. We don't do "hurry up" well.

15. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.

16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream (pronounced brim) and carp. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 85 goes two ways - Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.

18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want Cream of Wheat - go to Kansas. That would be I-40 west.

19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.

20. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators - and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.

22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot -- his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.

23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.

24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature -- all four of them -- enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner.

25. No, we don't care how you do things up North. If it is so great up there, why not visit a Northern state or stay there? And no, down here, we don't have an accent, you do.

Daily Grin Feb 4 2006

2006-02-04T14:04:00.000-06:00

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

"Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly."

No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife

"Yes" he replied.

"Sally sells C cells by the Seashore."

Daily Grin Dec 21/05 Wrapping Presents with Dogs

2005-12-21T21:23:00.000-06:00

Wrapping Presents with Dogs

1. Gather presents, boxes, paper, etc. in middle of living room floor.

2. Get tape back from puppy.

3. Remove scissors from older dog's mouth.

4. Open box.

5. Take puppy out of box.

6. Remove tape from older dog's mouth.

7. Take scissors away from puppy.

8. Put present in box.

9. Remove present from puppy's mouth.

10. Put back in box after removing puppy from box.

11. Take scissors from older dog and sit on them.

12. Remove puppy from box and put on lid.

13. Take tape away from older dog.

14. Unroll paper.

15. Take puppy OFF box.

16. Cut paper being careful not to cut puppy's foot or nose that is getting in the way as he "helps."

17. Let puppy tear remaining paper.

18. Take puppy off box.

19. Wrap paper around box.

20. Remove puppy from box & take wrapping paper from its mouth.

21. Tell older dog to fetch the tape so he will stop stealing it.

22. Take scissors away from puppy.

23. Take tape older dog is holding.

24. Quickly tape one spot before taking scissors from older dog & sitting on them again.

25. Fend off puppy trying to steal tape & tape another spot.

26. Take bow from older dog.

27. Go get roll of wrapping paper puppy ran off with.

28. Take scissors from older dog who took them when you got up.

29. Give pen to older dog to hold so he stops licking your face.

30. Remove puppy from present & hurriedly slap tape on to hold the paper on.

31. Take now soggy bow from puppy & tape on since the sticky stuff no longer sticks.

32. Take pen from older dog, address tag & affix while puppy tries to eat pen.

33. Grab present before puppy opens it & put it away.

34. Clean up mess puppy & older dog made playing tug-of-war with remnants of wrapping paper.

35. Put away rest of wrapping supplies & tell dogs what good helpers they are.

Daily Grin December 11 2005

2005-12-11T17:45:00.000-06:00

Symptoms of Bird Flu

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.

Daily Grin Nov 27

2005-11-27T09:51:00.000-06:00

A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly.

As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly.

The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Math 1950-2005

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her
to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this?
Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

Teaching Math In 1950

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1960

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

Teaching Math In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is$80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20

Teaching Math In 1990

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)

Teaching Math In 2005

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80.

Letter to Husband

2005-10-13T06:35:00.000-05:00

Dear Husband;

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

   Dear Ex-Wife

      Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything
happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fullfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

                             Signed: Rich As Hell and Free

Daily Grin Sept 11

2005-09-11T09:24:00.000-05:00

Weird stuff on ebay

http://cgi.ebay.com/bag-of-grass-clippings-courtesy-of-military-housing_W0QQitemZ5614372460QQcategoryZ1469QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

* * *

"Bob Denver, Gilligan, died Friday. The memorial service is scheduled to last three hours, but mourners are expected to bring lots of extra clothes, just in case."

* * *

If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.

* * *

Daily Grin July 23 2005

2005-07-23T19:46:00.000-05:00

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she."

Not So Daily Grin April 12

2005-04-12T19:41:00.000-05:00

Don't mind me...... I have been enjoying the break so much that I forget you are here! lol

Here's a funny one I spotted today in my travels. Enjoy!!

~~~

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some straight answers, OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "W"?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping?

You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A few days later........

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. May I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START"...

Daily Grin March 26

2005-03-26T21:10:00.000-06:00

I'm on vacation!! Yesterday was a holiday and Thursday was a vacation day... that adds up to 4 days off! We went to the comedy club again, this time to see Mike MacDonald. We caught his show last year and decided to go again. Great show!

Things are warming up here... temps have been in the 30's and it looks like spring might actually happen! I wonder if we'll have a summer too. We kinda skipped over that one last year. The weather dudes are predicting temps in the high 60's for next Friday. I've decided that it's a cruel April Fool's joke.

We ordered a new sofa three weeks ago and it was delivered Thursday. A weekend of sofa spudding is in order.... it does need to be "broken in", after all.

Have a fun weekend!!

~~~

Father Pat and Father Mike were riding down the highway with Father
Pat at the wheel. Mileage was being ticked off pretty well when suddenly a
little rabbit jumped up onto the highway right in front of the car.

Father Pat did everything he could to miss the little bunny, he
wrenched the wheel around, jammed on the brakes, and almost tipped the car
over with his maneuvers, but to no avail....the rabbit was hit before the car
could be stopped.

Both priests jumped out of the car, ran back to the rabbit to see
if there was anything that could be done, but alas, it appeared that the
rabbit was gone.

Father Pat pulled a bottle out of his pocket, sprinkled a few drops
of the liquid on the rabbit, and instantly it jumped up and started waving
vigorously.

Father Mike looked at Father Pat and said, "It's a miracle!" The
rabbit stood there and continued to wave at them. Since it appeared that
nothing else was needed, the two priests returned to the car, and Father Pat
continued down the road. Father Mike kept looking out the back window and,
for as long as he could see the rabbit, it was still standing there and
waving.

When the rabbit was out of sight, Father Mike sat back and
considered the sequence of events. Finally he said, "Father Pat, just what
was in that bottle?"

In response, Father Pat pulled the bottle out of his pocket once
more and handed it to Father Mike who read the label: "Hair Restorer with Permanent Wave".

~~~

Daily Grin Returns - March 20

2005-03-21T07:39:00.000-06:00

After taking a short break from sending the Daily Grin, I have decided to make it a longer, more permanent thing. After today, the Grin won't be sent by email anymore. I will continue to post the Grin on my blog http://dailygrin.blogspot.com but not on a daily basis. I have found it to be more than I have time for right now.

Thanks for enjoying the Grin. I hope you'll continue to enjoy it on my blog.

Have a fun week! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

Words of Wisdom

To all employees;

If you must drink during your lunch hour, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're drunk than to think you're stupid.

~~~

Fun Links

http://www.clean-your-screen-for-free-now.com/

http://www.grayace.com/dex/bunny.html

~~~

Bumper stickers

My karma ran over your dogma.

I brake for... wait... AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!!

A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.

I'm not driving fast-just flying low.

Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.

My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird!

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

"I is a college student."

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?

Life is too complicated in the morning.

All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography

Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.

My wife said "If you go hunting or fishing one more time I'm going to leave you" ...I'm sure going to miss her.

Ask me about my vow of silence.

~~~

Daily Grin March 10

2005-03-10T21:57:00.000-06:00

I'm so glad it's Friday tomorrow. We have tickets to the comedy club and I'm really looking forward to some serious ha-ha's. I have a pile of work to try to get done in 90 minutes tomorrow morning, then a 2 - 3 hour meeting. I had hoped for a half day tomorrow, and I'm leaving early one way or another... we'll see how it plays out.

We did get a "mini" blizzard overnight. Bad enough that the highway was closed and flights were cancelled. Still, I found it funny that my conference-call buddies laughed at the idea of a "mini" blizzard. Like there couldn't be such a thing! lol I guess when you are in Belgium, Brazil and Missouri, a 4 inch snow drift might as well be 4 feet eh? rofl

Have a fun Friday!!

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

More Oxymorons...

Computer security

~~~
Dating hints for men

There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...

I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.

I used to come here all the time with my ex.

Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am

~~~

Daily Grin Mar 9

2005-03-10T21:43:00.000-06:00

Hope the weather where you live is better than it is here (and that goes double for those of you who actually DO live here! - and try wrapping your head around THAT little bit eh? LOL) We're expecting another Alberta Clipper. Funny thing is that the weather in Alberta is really nice! I spoke with someone in Alberta today and told him to stop sending us the crapola and send some of that GOOD weather they've been hogging. We'll have to wait and see if that little conversation made any difference at all. hmmm.... I wonder.

I have to be at work a little early tomorrow to participate in an international conference call. I'm torn... I will want the large coffee, but I'll be tied to my desk for over an hour... hmmmm.... could get messy......

Have a fun Thursday!!

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

More Oxymorons...

Computer jock

~~~
Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."

Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "I'm not going to do that !"

~~~

Daily Grin Mar 8

2005-03-08T18:29:00.000-06:00

Speaking of "pretty ugly", I'm having to cut and paste my blog because mail to blog isn't working AGAIN. I love having the feature available because it fits well with my lazy - uh - *efficient* style!! A thousand pardons for the late grins. Enjoy!!

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

More Oxymorons...

Pretty ugly

~~~
The story of someone getting a haircut...

Women's version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh Gosh, no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

~~~

Daily Grin Mar 7

2005-03-07T06:28:00.000-06:00

The roads weren't as bad as I thought they'd be today, though some of the intersections were pretty slick, at least if you go by the van I saw that slid into the curb and got STUCK there! Me, I didn't have any difficulty with my front wheel drive. Got plenty done today at work and hoping to clear some of the backlog off my desk this week.

Have a fun one!!

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

More Oxymorons...

Peace force

~~~
THINGS IT TOOK ME OVER 40 YEARS TO LEARN

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 21

10. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

11. Your friends love you anyway

12. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine . . . They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

~~~

Daily Grin Mar 6

2005-03-06T06:27:00.000-06:00

We had a mini-blizzard today and should be back to milder weather by Tuesday. It's back to work tomorrow and lots to do when I get there. Hopefully I can get to sleep and stay asleep tonight and not think of all the stuff waiting for me in the morning. I have started making "to do" lists on Fridays so that I won't think about those things all weekend and if something comes to mind on the weekend, I email it to myself at the office so I can forget about it until I get there Monday morning.

I'm taking a half day off Friday to do some errands etc, then hubby and I have tickets to the comedy club to see Derek Edwards Friday night. There's another really funny comedian coming in two weeks, but I don't know if I can convince hubby to go to the comedy club again so soon.

Have a fun week!!

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

More Oxymorons...

Exact estimate

~~~
Do this while driving

Strange and silly things to do while driving. We do not advise doing any of the below "things to do while driving", as all driving should be taken seriously. The below "things to do while driving" are simply here for entertainment purposes.

Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.

Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.

At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.

Two words: Chicken suit.

Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.

Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.

Laugh a lot. A whole lot.

Stop at the green lights.

Go at the red ones.

Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.

Eat food that requires silverware.

Pass cars, then drive very slowly.

Sing without having the radio on.

Honk frequently without motivation.

Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.

Ask people for Grey Poupon.

Let pedestrians know who's boss.

Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.

Restart your car at every stop light.

Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.

Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.

While stopped at a light, pee out the window/sunroof onto other cars.

Keep at least five cats in the car.

Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.

Stop and collect roadkill.

Throw Spam.

Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them!

~~~

Daily Grin March 5

2005-03-05T06:25:00.000-06:00

Mail to Blog is fubar again...

Enjoying the weekend? I went to the car wash today to get some winter road grime washed off. A lot of it is back already, but it's still better than it was. Been watching Braveheart on TV tonite. Slept well last night, the insomnia cd might be working, or I might have been just exhausted enough to sleep.
Enjoy the grin!!! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

More Oxymorons...

Tight slacks

~~~

The New Alphabet

A is for Apple, and B is for Boat,
That used to be right, But now it won't float!
Age before Beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now A's for arthritis;

B's the bad back,

C is the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention,

G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;

I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,

K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L for libido, what happened to sex?

M is for memory, I forget ! what comes next

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;

O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P for prescription's, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?

R for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,

T for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!

U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;

V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.

W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?

X is for X ray, and what might be found.

Y is another year I'm left here behind,

Z is for zest that I still have-- in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I've kept twenty-six 'doctors' fully employed!!!

~~~

Daily Grin March 4

2005-03-04T21:59:00.000-06:00

Finally!! The weekend! My 'friend', insomnia, paid me another visit last night. I'm hoping for a better sleep tonite.

Enjoy the weekend (and the Fun Link)!!! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

More Oxymorons...

Plastic glasses

~~~

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man.

"My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister said.

"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

~~~

Fun Link...Drunk Guy

It's in German, but click on his sign to make him walk... he'll sway back and forth and fall over if you don't help.... when he zigs, use your mouse to zag and keep him balanced. It takes a bit of practice, but eventually, he'll go farther each time you try!

http://www.wagenschenke.ch/

~~~

Daily Grin March 2

2005-03-04T15:03:00.000-06:00

Too tired to say much again... other than....

...enjoy the grin!!! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

More Oxymorons...

Taped live

~~~

Mike & Joan were having some problems at home & were giving each other the 'silent treatment'. But then Mike realized that he would need his wife to wake him up at 5 a.m. for an early morning drive with some pals to play golf.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and lose the 'war'), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5 a.m."

The next morning, Mike woke up, only to discover it was 9 o'clock & that his friends had left for the golf course without him. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife didn't wake him, he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It's 5 a.m. Wake up."

~~~

Daily Grin March 3

2005-03-03T22:18:00.000-06:00

Oh my, the week is almost done and I'm so far behind!! I got pulled from my regular work this afternoon to help out another department. No problem, it was a bigger priority. Tomorrow I'll have my own dang 'bigger priorities". lol

yay... almost the weekend!!! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

More Oxymorons...

Passive aggressive

~~~

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"

"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

~~~

Daily Grin March 1

2005-03-01T21:48:00.000-06:00

March started off on the chilly side for us, but will warm up by the end of the week. I'm pooped out and heading for some Zzzzzz's

Enjoy the grin!!! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

More Oxymorons...

Clearly misunderstood

~~~

Working people frequently ask retired folks what they do to make their days interesting...

I went to the store the other day. I was in there for only about five minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a name. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a worse name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

It's important at our age.

~~~

Daily Grin February 28

2005-03-01T17:55:00.000-06:00

Step one of "the process" took place today. I spoke with the management company about my neighbor waking us at 4 am on more than one occasion. She will get a letter. (oooo pretty scary eh?) It's the last day of February... spring is just around the corner!!

Have a great week!!! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

~~~

Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of stock, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON.

Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks: American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, Northern Tissue Company.

I advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean!

It's a tough market out there. Be careful.

~~~

Daily Grin February 27

2005-02-27T22:09:00.000-06:00

The long weekend is over and tomorrow we are back to work. Tomorrow is also the last day of February and spring is just days away! I need to make a phone call tomorrow to the management company that runs our building. Our newest next door neighbor appears to be a slow learner. We have had a few discussions with her about the thin wall that lays between our bedroom and her livingroom. The first conversation I had with her was just a few days after she moved in. I let her know quite clearly that I did NOT want to hear her at 4 am ever again. It wasn't that long ago, we woke her in the middle of the afternoon to remind her again that waking us at 4am was not acceptable. Last night, she woke hubby at 3:30am. I recall hearing something overnight as well, but I'm a pretty heavy sleeper (all the more reason why I get EXTREMELY annoyed when a neighbor's noise wakes me). She woke me at 6 this morning. I have given her fair warning. Now I start "the process".

Happy Monday!!! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...

You answer the door before people knock.

~~~

Don't do while driving

We do not advise following any of the below driving rules to any extent. Driving should be taken seriously at all times. The below jokes are simply here for entertainment purposes.

When using a metered entrance ramp, vehicles in the carpool lane do not need to stop. Similarly, vehicles NOT in the diamond lane also do not need to stop.

If, at any time, you have witnessed a green light, it is okay to proceed through the intersection, regardless of the current color of the light.

The shoulder becomes a lane if you are driving a Porsche.

If you paid more than $60,000 for your car, you automatically have the right of way, regardless of the situation. This is especially applicable in parking lots.

Drive as quickly as possible through parking structures. Pass any open spot by at least four car lengths before backing up to claim it. Disregard the angry mob that has formed behind you.

Get to know your horn. Use it as often as possible.

While driving on the freeway and talking on your cell phone, alternate between 45 and 100 MPH. This is especially effective if driving in the fast lane.

Every lane is the suicide lane.

Always set the alarm to its most sensitive setting before leaving your car in a parking ramp.

During rush hour, drivers should pass the time by reading Deepak Chopra or L. Ron Hubbard, and practice inner peace when cut off by a Mercedes.

If you miss your exit, no worries. Just cut across six lanes of traffic and drive over the divider. If you really weren't supposed to cross it, they would make it out of concrete instead of icicle plants.

For parking purposes, all SUVs are compact cars. Honest.

To calculate the proper speed limit on the freeway, subtract your age from 100. Double this number if your car has dual exhaust. Conversely, add your age to 100 if you are driving on the 101 or suffering from a midlife crisis.

If a cop attempts to pull you over, give chase. You won't get away, but it's guaranteed you'll make live TV. Towards the end of the chase, be sure to throw random items out of your window. It will give the reporters something to talk about on the 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, and 11 o'clock news.

Never use your turn signal, unless of course you are on the freeway with no intention of merging.

Totally disregard on-coming traffic.

If there are already three cars stopped at a four way stop, accelerate immediately. Otherwise, one of those cars might go ahead of you!

Rush hour at the 101/405 interchange is from 5 AM to 11 PM, except around holidays that create airport traffic, when hours are extended to 3 AM.

Never Carpool.

Take full advantage of your right to U-turn. Laugh aloud at people from other states who turn around in driveways.

In case of rain, immediately pull over. You can not drive in any sort of precipitation.

While driving uphill, do not down shift. While driving downhill, ride your brakes.

When parking on a hill, turn your wheels out, set the emergency brake, remove radio face, enable the alarm, and put The Club (TM) on your steering wheel.

On narrow canyon roads, feel free to use the center divider as a passing lane.

~~~

Daily Grin February 26

2005-02-26T23:34:00.000-06:00

After a ridiculous morning sparring with my family, hubby and I did our regular Saturday shopping thing, enjoyed a nice dinner and sat down to watch a movie. We bought a few used DVD's on Friday... one was Cold Mountain. If you haven't seen it, I do highly recommend it. We also got Bowling for Columbine, which we will try to watch very soon.

hey... tomorrow is another day off!!! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

~~~

The very bad accident

Two men got out of their cars after they collided at an intersection. One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other, "Here, maybe you'd like a nip to calm your nerves."

"Thanks," he said, and took a long pull from the container. "Here, you have one, too," he added, handing back the whiskey.

"Well, I'd rather not," said the first. "At least not until after the police have been here."

~~~

Daily Grin February 25

2005-02-26T12:09:00.000-06:00

We did enjoy our day off today and did some shopping and errands that we had been wanting to get to. I think we'll do this again in two weeks. That's when we are going to the comedy club to see Derek Edwards.

hmmm... tomorrow is another day off!!! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...

You ski uphill.

~~~

Avoiding a big object

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

~~~

Daily Grin February 24

2005-02-24T22:35:00.000-06:00

Yay!! I have a long weekend!! Oh, and so does hubby! Our underground parkade is being swept tomorrow morning, so we'll go shopping for a few hours. Maybe we'll find something really good.

Hmmmm.... a day off with LOTS to do!!! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

~~~

Nothing up His Sleeve

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"

"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

~~~

Daily Grin February 23

2005-02-24T06:47:00.000-06:00

It's still looking good for Friday off. Had another busy day today, and tomorrow will be even more so as I try to clear off as much as possible before my long weekend.

It's almost Friday!! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

~~~

Rolls-Royce vs. Yugo

A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce.

He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a phone in my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, "Yes, I have a phone."

The driver of the Yugo said, "Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too? I've got one in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."

The driver of the Yugo said, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, "Of course, I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Yugo said, "Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls-Royce.

The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce. So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night.

It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He got out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head out.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!?!"

~~~

Daily Grin February 22

2005-02-23T04:05:00.000-06:00

I had a better sleep last night and got a lot done today at work. Friday off is beginning to look like a definite possibility.

The week is almost done!! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...

You help your dog chase its tail.

~~~

A dog's chalkboard assignments

This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your dog when he/she does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment. Fill in the blanks

1. [xxx] is not food.
Spiders; bandaids; ivy and airplane plants; Xmas ornaments; the carved jack-o-lantern; plants from the aquarium; cat litter box contents; laundry detergent boxes (esp. not when full!); toothpaste (tube and all); remote controls; linoleum; eyeglasses; books; stockings; the tar shingles on my house; chicken wire; bizarre plants; disposable razors; rocks; Lego; dirty Kleenex; the baby's used diaper; Christmas stockings; soda pop cans; fiberglass insulation stuffed up the chimney; the underwear in the clothes hamper; Mommy's hair accessories; Mommy's catnip teabags; unopened honey packets; staples; Christmas stockings; credit cards, CDs, and other thin plastic things.

2. I will not lift my leg to the [xxx].
Anything growing in the vegetable garden; house corner; new boyfriend; mailman; woodstove; subordinate pack members; Grandma's plush chair; the conformation judge; good-looking neighbour man that Mommy is trying to impress; Daddy in the lawn chair.

3. I recognize that [xxx] has a right to exist.
The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the aquarium; 3rd grade art projects (even if they are made of macaroni shells); the other dog(s); the TV remote control; the human's little humans; the bath mitt; Rolling Stone magazine; large patterns on wallpaper;

4. [xxx] is not a toy.
The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the humans' pet cockatiel; newly planted iris bulbs; pillows and blankets from the bed; laundry (dirty OR clean); aquarium plants; stuffed animals from on top of the chest of drawers; pillows and blankets from the newly made bed; the hose that's filling the kiddie pool; the humans' Nerf footballs; human's underwear; Mommy and Daddy's ferrets.

5. I will not chew the [xxx].
Human's homework; human's papers s/he has to mark; remote control; cardboard around the laundry detergent; handles to the lawn tools; garage door; kitchen cabinets; food left within reach on the couch; the mini-human's *full* bottle even though it conveniently fell in front of me from the crib; horse's new saddle; wall; carpet; deck; couch; sofa cushions; expensive paperbacks.

6. I will not bark at [xxx].
Plastic bags on the ground; the new plow blade on my owner's truck when it is parked; the wind; thunder; the road grader; Daddy's new Santa bear toy (which was innocently sitting on a chair, and had been there for hours before Molly noticed it and took umbrage); tissue paper being blown along the floor by air from the furnace; the spring doorstop when I or the kid flips it and makes it go DOooiiiiinnnnnng; my mother's clean laundry thrown on top of the bed, even if the room is dark and it looks like someone sleeping there; the ball I just pushed into an inaccessible crevice all by myself; the fox/skunk/cat/deer out in the yard at any time after midnight, especially on a work night; the fire hydrant on the corner when out for a walk at night; the car radio; the answering machine lady when she says the date/time; the ice cube that slid under the fridge; the rawhide chewbone that I'm making no headway on; absolutely nothing (especially after 11 PM).

7. I will not dig [xxx].
Under the stove (and through the linoleum); under the sidewalk until it collapses; the carpet; a hole under the porch and then get stuck under it; under my master's pillow at 2 AM to retrieve the bone I hid there earlier; a swimming pool in the back yard;

~~~

Daily Grin February 21

2005-02-21T21:27:00.000-06:00

I don't know what it is about Sunday nights, but I never sleep well at all. I'm zonked and heading to bed early, enjoy your grin and bonus grin!

Friday is getting closer!! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

~~~

The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

~~~

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

~~~

Daily Grin February 20

2005-02-20T22:00:00.000-06:00

Looks like Mail to Blog is working again... let's see if this one works....

Bah.... it's back to work tomorrow. I'm thinking I really need a long weekend and will work toward taking Friday off.... even if I'm not all caught up. I don't think I'll EVER be "all caught up", so why wait for it? Do I sound "determined"? I may need some reminders thru the week.... I think I can, I think I can.....Enjoy the grin... I particularly like number 14!!

Have a happy monday!! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...

You short out motion detectors.

~~~

Washington Post - Part Two

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and a putz.

~~~

testing mail to blog

2005-02-19T22:19:00.000-06:00

Feb 19 10 pm

Daily Grin Feb 19

2005-02-19T22:08:00.000-06:00

Had a fun day today, how about you?? Enjoy today's grin, it's got a few of my most favorite tee-hee's! (#7 is for Nerak of Colorado)
Have a great weekend!!

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

~~~

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. Also look for the original word and its meaning before looking at the new meaning. It will bring you some smiles! The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

~~~

Daily Grin Feb 18

2005-02-19T22:07:00.000-06:00

Wow, it's finally Friday!! I'm exhausted and going to bed.... enjoy the grin...

g'nite!!

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

~~~

Dear Dogs and Cats:

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note: Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is -- kiss me, and then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door...

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Pets:

1.. They live here. You don't.

2.. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3.. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4.. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Lastly, I will try to keep in mind that dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

~~~

Daily Grin Feb 17

2005-02-18T06:15:00.000-06:00

Ugh... I'm about ready for a vacation... maybe for a year or two or six. On the bright side, I did get my glasses today. Holy moley!! I can SEE!! They are for reading only and geez... don't try to turn your head with them on... you might fall right off your chair! Now THERE's a warning label I can get behind! lol

omigosh... Friday AGAIN!!

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...

You channel surf faster without a remote.

~~~

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."

His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"

~~~

A 104 year old lady was being interviewed for a newspaper article.

The reporter asked, "What is the best thing about being 104?"

The lady replied, "No peer pressure."

~~~

Daily Grin - Missing in Action?

2005-02-17T06:23:00.001-06:00

My apologies for the late grins. Mail to blog is still having "issues" and I am way too lazy to sign in and copy/paste the Daily Grin each day. We ask that you please bear with us. lol

Hopefully the mail-to-blog utility will be back up and running in no time flat and the grin will be posted on a daily basis again. In the meantime, if you want the grin in your mailbox every day, send me an email or post a comment (my addy is in the right column).

G'day eh?

Daily Grin Feb 16

2005-02-17T06:23:00.000-06:00

Do I even need to tell ya that today was insanely busy again?? I think I really need to hide in another part of the building tomorrow so nobody can find me... maybe then I'll get some work done!! Ah... who am I kidding.. I DID do lots of work today.... I just need to hide from the people who are bent on giving me more! lol

Have a good nite! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...

Instant coffee takes too long.

~~~

The Kirby Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a Kirby vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said, "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all trace of this horse manure from your carpet Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

~~~

Daily Grin Feb 15

2005-02-17T06:22:00.000-06:00

Had an extremely hectic day today... tomorrow doesn't look good either... gotta get some sleep....

Same time tomorrow! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...

People get dizzy just watching you.

~~~

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

~~~

Daily Grin Feb 14

2005-02-17T06:21:00.000-06:00

My new reading glasses weren't ready today but hopefully I'll have them by the end of the week. My hubby brought home a little Valentine Surprise for me! Cannoli from the Italian shop we both enjoy going to. I drooled over the lemon cannoli many times but had never tried it... until today. What a sweetie!! Oh... and what a sweet treat!! mmmmmm....

It was another busy day at work today... aren't they all?

Happy Valentine's Day!

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

~~~

Breakdown...

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.

He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

~~~

Daily Grin Feb 13

2005-02-13T22:08:00.000-06:00

Another nice day today, but we stayed in and played sofa spud today. Back to work tomorrow and it's going to be a busy one for me. I wonder if my new reading glasses will be ready?

Happy Valentine's Day!

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

~~~

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," he said with a wink.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

~~~

Daily Grin Feb 12

2005-02-13T21:51:00.000-06:00

We have been enjoying spring-like temps this weekend. Today it was in the low 30's which is pretty warm for us this time of year. Today was pretty uneventful and we are busy relaxing... this is what weekends are all about.

Enjoy! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

~~~

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

~~~

Daily Grin February 10

2005-02-12T19:31:00.000-06:00

My books came today. Sure was fast!! I ordered them from Amazon.com just last Tuesday. I now have The Last Juror by John Grisham and Wolves of the Calla (Dark Tower V) - Stephen King. I am just finishing book 3 of the Dark Tower series and I should breeze through book 4 (even though it's HUGE) once I get my new reading glasses next week, then I can move on to book 5 and should be able to squeeze in another book before number 6 in the series comes available in paperback this summer.

Hey.... it's Friday tomorrow! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...

You can jump-start your car without cables.

~~~

Gone Fishing...

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?"

He says, "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

His wife smiles and says, "Oh no, I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"

~~~

Daily Grin February 11

2005-02-11T22:17:00.000-06:00

Another busy week has come to an end. I already know that Monday will be a very hectic day and I'm hoping that the rest of the week will calm down but I'm pretty sure it won't. Either way, I'm planning for a relaxing weekend. I don't foresee any trips to Urgent Care and I'm looking forward to getting my new reading glasses next week.

Have a great weekend! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...

You don't sweat, you percolate.

~~~

Diary - Personal Trainer

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday:

Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I
arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. (He is something of a Greek God with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!) Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. (I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring.) Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air....then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worth while. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my
mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked my Explorer on top of a GEO in the club lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. (His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying). My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. (Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?) Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

Thursday:
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were
pulled back in a full snarl. (I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes). Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the women's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine....which I sank.

Friday:

I hate that Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the
history of the world. (Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader wanna-be). If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna sans laude from, you Nazi ). The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:

Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I
did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my day planner. However, I lacked the strength even to use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Sunday:

I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank the lord that
this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun.....like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

~~~

Daily Grin February 9

2005-02-11T22:07:00.000-06:00

It's almost Friday!! My wonderful hubby mailed me a Valentine's Day card and it
arrived today, I got a little thank you gift in the mail from my volunteer job and there's a package waiting for me at the post office!! All in all, it's been a good "mail day". The package at the post office probably contains the books I ordered from Amazon.com last week.

Have a great
week! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

~~~

Dot Com

And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)".

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums, as long as he could have his way with her.

And Dot said, "There will be a lot of banging in the land". And Abraham replied, "It is my most fervent wish that this be so".

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as
doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother
William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others". And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay", he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what we are".

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators".

"Whoopee!", said Abraham.

"No, YAHOO!", said Dot Com.

~~~

hmmm... problem with mail to blog again!

2005-02-11T06:16:00.000-06:00

The Grin has been delayed by a problem with mail-to-blog. Should be resolved soon and you can start grinning again! In the meantime, enjoy the archives!

Daily Grin February 8

2005-02-08T21:47:00.000-06:00

We are experiencing another cold snap!! It was -22F this morning. Should be seeing some spring-like weather soon! We still have a lot of snow on the ground so I'm hoping for a slow thaw.

Have a great week! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...

You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

~~~

Joe's wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch.

His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing?"

Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."

~~~

Daily Grin February 7

2005-02-07T21:44:00.000-06:00

Good news!! The "halo-vision" is gone!! My close up vision is still blurry in that eye, so I went for a complete eye check up today. My eyes are somewhat dry and the doc feels that the dryness combined with my mild astigmatism and eyestrain/fatigue led to the halo dealy-thingy. He prescribed new reading glasses. These are quite a lot stronger than my last reading glasses (which, by the way, do NOT help me see right now!) The new specs won't be ready for a week or more, so in the meantime, reading and up close work will continue to fatigue my eyes. I can use hubby's reading glasses in a pinch and hey, I can still see just fine with my other eye!!

Here's another grin for ya! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

~~~

You Know You are From A small Town When ...

1. The local phone book has only one yellow page.

2. Third Street is on the edge of town.

3. The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine.

4. You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.

5. You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going, anyway.

6. No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.

7. You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one.

8. Everyone knows all the news before it's published; they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right.

9. The McDonalds only has only one Golden Arch.

10. A "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes.

11. You have to name six surrounding towns to explain to people where you're from.

12. Headline news is who grew the biggest vegetable this year.

13. You can name everyone you graduated with.

14. School gets canceled for state sporting events.

15. Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.

16. Directions are given using "the" stop light as a reference

17. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.

~~~

Daily Grin February 6

2005-02-06T22:28:00.000-06:00

After all the excitement yesterday, I'm happy to report that there's not much to report!! My eye is still wonky, so I'll be calling the eye doc in the morning for an ASAP appointment. Still have some halo-vision and a difficulty with focus on close items. Reading is a chore right now. Hubby's reading glasses help a little, but my own glasses don't do diddly-squat for it.

As promised, here's a GRIN for ya! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...

You chew on other people's fingernails.

~~~

***With advance apologies to our male readers***

Coming to a Community College near You!!
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN
ALL ARE WELCOME

OPEN TO MEN ONLY

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants. Sign up early and get a discount on registration. The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS - Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS -- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS? - Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR - Practicing with hamper. Pictures and graphics.

THE AFTER DINNER DISHES & SILVERWARE - DO THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES? - Debate among a panel of experts.

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING. Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS: DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE TRASH BIN? - Group discussion and role-play

HEALTH WATCH - BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH. - PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST - A real life testimonial from the one man who did.

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? - Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE.
On-line class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION - Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE - Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT. LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME - Individual counselors available

~~~

Daily Grin February 5

2005-02-05T22:41:00.000-06:00

A three hour tour.... a three hour tour!!!

I had a weird thing happen yesterday. Visual halo at night. Then this morning, my eye was tearing a little. I thought I might have the beginnings of an eye infection. Did a little reading on the internet and halos are one of those 911 eye problems. I called our Health Links line (staffed by nurses) to ask if this was something I could watch... see my family doc... see an optometrist.... She asked me a gazillion questions and determined that I needed medical attention today. She advised I go to our Urgent Care center.

Long story short, I may have corneal edema, but the doc ruled out glaucoma, retinal detachment and retinopathy. I also walked away wondering how spending 6 hours waiting to see a doctor could happen in an "urgent" care setting. The triage nurse told me that my type of problem put me higher on the priority list, and everyone assured me that it was absolutely necessary that I be seen by a doctor today. I don't think I'll ever go back to urgent care... I'll use the ER next time I have a situation that requires immediate attention. The triage system at UC sucks. Some poor woman had fallen and landed on her tailbone. She had numbness in her hands and was in agony. Her husband was trying to handle her in a wheelchair, a toddler and a newborn. The woman was in obvious distress and was told that she'd have to wait unless her legs were numb or her BP was thru the roof. This is how free medical care works. It doesn't. They did manage to get her in pretty quick, but they did make her wait and judging how long I waited in the exam room before a doc saw me (2 hours), getting her in quickly probably didn't make a big difference to her.

I am to see an optometrist in 3 days if I'm still seeing halos. Apparently, this problem may be viral and it's not a definitive diagnosis. It's just when you rule out all the other causes of visual halo in dim light, this is what's left. I'll see an optometrist in 3 days if my vision is still blurry in that eye.

Alright, now that i have THAT off my chest... here's a real groaner for ya! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

~~~

There was a crowd of bees flying around one day. These bees were most peculiar. They were powered by gasoline, rather than the allergenic goodies that bees usually eat. As the crowd flew along, periodically a bee or two would start to sputter; it would fly down to a gas station, drink up the gas spilled in fueling a car, and then fly up and rejoin the crowd.

One bee began to sputter a little, but flew right by an open gas station. As he passed the second station, he coughing badly, but still he flew on. Finally, as he was on his last fumes, he dove down to a station and gassed up.

When he rejoined the crowd, his neighbor challenged him: "Look, you passed right by an open station when you started to get low. You passed another station when you were perilously low. And finally, you ran out of gas just in time to glide into that last station. Are you crazy?"

He replied, "Well, it's like this. The first station was a Gulf station. I really don't like Gulf at all. The second station was a Texaco station. That's even worse. But the third station was an Esso station. Let me tell you, Esso is my brand of gasoline. You know what they say don't you? ...

There's an Esso Bee in every crowd!"

~~~

Daily Grin February 4

2005-02-04T22:23:00.000-06:00

We're seeing some of the last of the groans.... are you ready for giggles??

Hey.... it's the weekend!! Have a good one!! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...

You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

~~~

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So, the rival hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving once and for all that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

~~~

Daily Grin February 3

2005-02-03T21:47:00.000-06:00

Will the groans ever end??

Hey.... it's the weekend!! Have a good one!! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

~~~

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" She cried. $150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged and explained, "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

~~~

Daily Grin February 2

2005-02-02T22:09:00.000-06:00

I'm pooped from all the giggling over the groans, so I'll keep this short (kinda like me!) Tomorrow is the three year anniversary of my quit smoking day! I won't ever forget it, because my last day as a smoker was a Groundhog Day and even easier to remember, my last day as a smoker was 02/02/02 (Feb 2, 2002)! Anyone want to take up a challenge to make 05/05/05 YOUR last day as a smoker?

There's a followup to yesterday's grin.... it's today's Bonus Grin!! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

~~~

A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption at birth. One of the twins went to a family in Egypt, and was named "Amal." The other twin went to a family in Spain, and they named him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responded, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

~~~

Bonus Grin

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now theres a word-of-the-day...), Quasimodo continued his interviews for a new bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Sir, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

Quasimodo agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless mans brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing Quasimodo's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I dont know his name," sighed the distraught Quasimodo ...

".... But hes a dead ringer for his brother." !"

~~~

Daily Grin February 1

2005-02-02T06:24:00.000-06:00

Today was a pretty decent day. Work is getting stressful again, but not as crazy as it was in December and early January. I entered an online photo contest in January and I got notified today that I won!! The prize was a $30.00 gift certificate at amazon.com and my new books should be here in 2 weeks! I ordered the new Dark Tower - Wolves of the Calla by Stephen King and a Grisham book too - The Last Juror. I started re-reading the Dark Tower series last year in anticipation of two new paperbacks in the series being released this year. Wolves of the Calla is the first, Song of Susannah will be release in the summer. After that, there will be one final book, number 7 in the series released next year.

Tomorrow is Groundhog Day, so I have included a Bonus Grin!! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...

You have to watch videos in fast-forward

~~~

Quasimodo, the demented bell ringer of Notre Dame, put an ad in the papers for a assistant bell ringer. One man applied for the job but he had no arms. "How are you going to assist me?" asked Quasimodo.

"That's easy!" replied the man and he ran at the bell and banged it with his head. BONG!

"That's amazing!" said Quasimodo. "Could you show me that again?"

"Sure!" said the man and he ran at the bell again but he missed the swinging bell and fell out of the bell tower. A crowd huddled around the hapless man lying in the street and a police office asked,

"Does anyone know who he is?"

Quasimodo came out and said...

"I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL!"

~~~

Bonus Grin

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I'll bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.

At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed.

"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!

~~~

Daily Grin January 31

2005-01-31T22:14:00.000-06:00

I really don't mind the cold weather. Even 40 below isn't too cold for me, but that doesn't keep me from enjoying the break in our cold snap. Today was practically balmy!! It was about +32F and I wasn't sure if I even needed my jacket.... I sure didn't zip it up!

Tomorrow is the first day of February, any guesses on what's going to happen on Groundhog day? J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...

You sleep with your eyes open.

~~~

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked.

The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?", to which the lady replied "Yes".

"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing!"

~~~

Daily Grin January 30

2005-01-30T22:21:00.000-06:00

I can't believe it myself, but I have yet another week of groaners lined up for your reading enjoyment and a new series for you coffee addicts!

Have yourselves a fun filled week!!! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If...

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

~~~

Strange Diet

A mother complained to her doctor about her daughters strange eating habits "All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?"

Eventually" said the Doctor, "she will rise and shine!"

~~~

Daily Grin January 29

2005-01-29T23:03:00.000-06:00

Today was all about kicking back and doing as little as possible. Well, except for the cooking. Saturday is roast beast day here and today was no exception. We picked up a small prime rib, I threw together some spuds au gratin and we added steamed, buttered carrots to the mix. Black forest frozen yogurt for dessert. mmmmmm

I'd like to take a moment to welcome our newest subscribers. The Daily Grin is now emailed to over 30 folks per day. Several more read the blog version. Not bad for a little internet jokester... Thanks for subscribing and keep that word-of-mouth spreading!

Hope you are enjoying the weekend (I'm plotting another week of groaners) !!! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

The Worst Country-Western Song Titles

She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

~~~

Census taker: How many children do you have?

Woman: Four.

Census taker: May I have their names, please?

Woman: Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.

Census taker: Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?

Woman: Because we didn't want any Mo.

~~~

Daily Grin January 28

2005-01-28T22:28:00.000-06:00

The weekend is here again. I had wanted to leave work early today, but I don't think that five minutes early should count! Maybe next weekend. My workload is back to 'workable' for now, though it could be picking up again very soon.

January is almost over!!! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

The Worst Country-Western Song Titles

My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him

~~~

A Potato Story

You know that all potatoes have eyes . . . Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other. They finally got married and had a little one -- a real SWEET POTATO whom they called "Yam." They wanted the best for little Yam, telling her all about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting Half Baked because she could get Mashed, get a bad name like Hot Potato, and then end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

She said not to worry -- no Mr. McSpud would get her in the sack and make a Rotten Potato out of her! But she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of food and exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins. Mr. and Mrs. Potato even warned Yam, before sending her to Europe, to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. They also said that she should watch out for the Indians, when going out west, because she could get Scalloped.

Mr. and Mrs. Potato wanted the best for Yam, so they sent her to "Idaho P.U." (Potato University) from which the Big Potatoes come; then, when she graduated, she'd really be in the Chips. But one day she came home and told them she was going to marry Walter Cronkite. Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told her that she couldn't marry him, because he's just a . . .COMMON TATER!

~~~

Daily Grin January 27

2005-01-27T21:40:00.000-06:00

Wow, it's amazing!! I *really, REALLY* suck at bowling! It was fun and I did manage to keep a few balls between the gutters and even knocked down a few pins eventually. I also learned that I bowl a little better left-handed than right even tho most of my gutter balls went left, no matter which hand I used. lol Once I warmed up, I bowled a few strikes, but I'm sure they were mostly flukes. Overall, I think I would be just fine if it took another 25 years to touch a bowling ball.

Hubby is feeling better today, but we're both heading to bed early to ensure we stay healthy.

Hey, it's almost Friday!!! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

The Worst Country-Western Song Titles

My Every Day Silver Is Plastic

~~~

A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. Looking at the string, the bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve strings."

"What? That sucks," said the string. So the string walks into the bathroom and ties himself up and messes up his ends. A couple moments later he comes back out and approaches the bar again and again orders a drink.

"Hey, aren't you that string?" asks the bartender.

"Nope. I'm a frayed knot."

~~~

Daily Grin January 26

2005-01-26T21:59:00.000-06:00

Poor hubby isn't feeling well. Might be the flu coming for a visit. Sore throat, ear ache, tired, feeling icky. I think I'll try to get some extra sleep tonite, just to make sure I fight it off easily.

Tomorrow, I'm going 5-pin bowling and for pizza with my co-workers after work... and then it's Friday!

We might even have nice weather for the weekend!!!! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

The Worst Country-Western Song Titles

Mama Get The Hammer (Theres A Fly On Papa's Head)

~~~

Brown Paper Pete

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?"

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well," says the bartender. "He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," said the bartender.

~~~

Daily Grin January 25

2005-01-25T22:04:00.000-06:00

The groans continue. I have a few more for you this week and then I think we'll return to regular chuckles. By the way, it's been brought to my attention that there are only eleven months until Christmas!! Just thought I'd pass that along.

Have YOU started shopping yet??? J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

The Worst Country-Western Song Titles

If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?

~~~

In Surgery

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient wakes up, sits up and demands to know what is going on.

"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.

The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own incision."

The doctor hands him the needle and says, "Suture self."

~~~

BONUS GRIN

The first reindeer seen in a bar

One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.

As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."

The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."

~~~

Daily Grin January 24

2005-01-24T21:52:00.000-06:00

We are finally enjoying some milder temperatures. It's 18F right now and will go up to 32F overnite. The downside to that is the risk of freezing rain, which is my least favorite weather. Looks like this will be a productive week at work and that things might finally settle down to a normal pace (famous last words!).

How's your week so far??? J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

The Worst Country-Western Song Titles

If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will

~~~

A Chilly Reception

A wool peddler in a small town very long ago pulled his cart of wool from his farm to the village market. It was a long and tiring trip. He had to travel around the perimeter of a large lake that was owned by the local tycoon, a notoriously ill-tempered old man.

One day, during the winter, the lake froze over. As he headed for the village, the peddler realized he could cut two miles off his trip if he crossed over the lake, so he trudged out onto the ice.

He was about halfway across when the owner spotted him from an upstairs room. The old man threw open a window, waved his cane at the peddler and shouted, "Get off my lake! I'll be darned if I'll let anyone pull the wool over my ice."

~~~

Daily Grin January 23

2005-01-23T22:17:00.000-06:00

There's something to be said for shopping in January. There are some really excellent deals to be had! A clothing store I went to this afternoon was knocking an additional 50% off anything already marked down. It's back to work tomorrow. I wonder what kind of fun awaits me after my day off Friday?

How'd you like another week of groaners??? J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

The Worst Country-Western Song Titles

If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You

~~~

Car Repairs

A man's car was in the garage again. The owner said, "Actually, just yelling at the dang thing often helps. You have to yell just right, though. There are professionals who, after years of training and specialized emotional therapy can handle that for you if you can't figure it out. Of course, you already knew that a well-adjusted car berater can solve a lot of problems!"

~~~

Daily Grin January 22

2005-01-22T22:37:00.000-06:00

We were back to "dang cold" again today, but expecting milder weather tomorrow. Not much new to say... we're enjoying a nice quiet weekend.

Having fun yet??? J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

The Worst Country-Western Song Titles

If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low

~~~

A Little More

A man was infatuated with a young woman, but was so timid he never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he even told his therapist that every time he got near her he felt like he was unimportant. He said that he felt as insignificant as a tiny pebble.

"Well," his therapist responded, "If you want to get the girl you'll just have to be a little boulder!"

~~~

Daily Grin January 21

2005-01-21T22:15:00.000-06:00

I'm enjoying my long weekend. Did a little shopping today and will do a little more tomorrow. The temperature was milder again today and will be near +30F on Sunday. I think it was +5F today, with some snow. By the way, today's "groan" is particularly bad.... prepare yourself! lol

Enjoy the weekend!!! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

The Worst Country-Western Song Titles

If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

~~~

oooo this one is VERY bad!!

Zoo Cleanup

Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper finds two finches that have died of old age. He picks them up and places them in a sack. After cleaning the cage he puts the sack in his wheelbarrow and moves on to the next cage.

When he reaches the primate cage he finds two chimps who have also died of natural causes. "Waste not, want not," he says as puts them in the sack with the finches.

Later at feeding time, he flips the dead animals from the sack, into the lions' cage.

"Bloody hell!" roars the lion. "Not finch and chimps again!"

~~~

Daily Grin January 20

2005-01-20T22:40:00.000-06:00

Wow, a long weekend!! I hope the weather holds out tomorrow. I want to do some shopping. I did get out at lunch today to do some of the shopping I have wanted to do, but there's always more more more!! Had a very productive day at work today

Have you seen the latest JibJab piece? Here's a link. If you haven't yet, be sure to watch them all!! (watch out for renegade ads.. don't get sucked in by fake "surveys".)

http://www.jibjab.com

Have a great weekend!!! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

The Worst Country-Western Song Titles

I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life

~~~

Blonde Winner

A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she's peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."

But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you must be mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"

The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!"

And she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads... "WIN A BAGEL"

~~~

Daily Grin January 19

2005-01-19T21:43:00.000-06:00

Hey, guess what!!? Dr Hit and Run actually managed to leave his parking spot without hitting my car.... wow... imagine that! lol We're still having weird weather.... it was zero F when I left work... it was actually NICE out!! (compared to -40) but the weird part was that even at zero, we had freezing drizzle. Maybe the weather thermometers are too close to the ice... how can you have rain when it's only zero!!?

Looks like I'll have Friday off this week. I have a lot to do tomorrow so that I can relax and enjoy the weekend.

Is it Thursday yet??? J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

The Worst Country-Western Song Titles

I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy

~~~

Pasteurflies

A man was watching a cow being milked. Being from the city, it was the first time he had seen this. As the man was watching, a fly flew in the cow's ear.

Then the man noticed a fly in the milk pail. He asked the farmer how that could have happened.

"It's simple," said the farmer. "In one ear and out the udder."

~~~

Daily Grin January 18

2005-01-18T21:59:00.000-06:00

We had some wild weather today!! It warmed up to about 25F with lots of wind and blowing snow. I'm sure the drive in will be interesting tomorrow. I moved to a different work area today and all that packing and hauling really got me heated up... so... I went outside to cool off. No jacket, no sweater, just me in my pants and tshirt. I got a few funny looks, but it did help me cool down a little.

Hey... d'yall remember Dr Hit and Run?? The dude who hit my car in the parkade last spring?? Well, I am waiting to transfer to a different parking spot because he still parks beside me. Today when I pulled into my spot, I was none too happy. We park facing an angled wall, so his car is beside, but ahead of my car. When I came home, I noticed that he had parked at a very bad angle for pulling out and he was also too far over to my side of his spot (the back end of his car is angled slightly toward my car). If I don't leave before he does in the morning, he will probably hit my car again. He can get out safely if he's careful, but he isn't usually too careful.

Wanna guess how much $hit will fly if that jerk hits my car again??? J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

The Worst Country-Western Song Titles

I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck

~~~

Messy Soup

Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup. After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the tablecloth. He called the waitress over and said, "It's all wet down here. The bowl must be cracked."

The waitress said, "You ordered vegetable soup, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"Maybe it has a leek in it."

~~~

Daily Grin January 17

2005-01-17T22:35:00.000-06:00

I think this managed to be the coldest day of the year so far. With the windchill, it was in the minus fifties. No biggie for me, I'm the weirdo who sticks her head in the freezer for the fresh air! I would like the cold weather much less if I had to be out in it for any length of time, but I'm spoiled silly and just have to go from my car (which has an autostarter) to the heated buildings and back. I attached the hood to my jacket and never use it and don't always put my mittens on and almost never cover my face. I have gone outside in weather like this without my jacket! I think I'm built for cold weather. I just can't relate to folks who go to hot places in the winter. Then again, I'm that weirdo with my head in the freezer!!!

Is it Friday yet??? J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

The Worst Country-Western Song Titles

I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

~~~

In A Small Texas Town

In a small Texas town, the local madam operated a telephone service. The police learned of this and soon had enough evidence to arrest her. At the arrest, they seized her big black book in which her talent was listed. Each officer on the force was assigned a group of the names in it and told to check them out.

After a week, the Chief called a meeting to get their reports.

When it became Officer Jimmy's turn, he said, "I'm sorry, Chief, but I think I should disqualify myself. One of the ladies on whom I called is an eighty-four-year-old woman. She is so charming that I have to tell you that I have fallen in love with her."

"Holy Moley!" exclaimed the Chief. "I sure am surprised at you, Jimmy. You've been a policeman almost 40 years! ... And here you are, falling for the oldest trick in the book!"

~~~

Daily Grin January 16

2005-01-17T01:11:00.000-06:00

By popular request, another week of groaners!!! I don't know if I'm quite ready for another week of near -40F weather, but knowing that my major project is complete will make the workweek a little easier to face! I still have a busy week ahead... lots of work was "put aside" while my attention was directed in the general direction of the big fish.

Having fun yet??? J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

The Worst Country-Western Song Titles

I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life

~~~

Repaired!

When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.

The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together.

In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief.

"What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"

The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

~~~

Daily Grin January 15

2005-01-16T08:27:00.000-06:00

How about another week of groaners??? J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

The Worst Country-Western Song Titles

How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?

~~~

Playground Rules

A few (okay, okay, not so few) years ago, I took my two daughters, then ages seven and five, to the playground at our local park. My seven year old was very proud as she was able to read the sign with all the rules to her sister. "Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion." "Go down the slide while sitting only." "Only one child on a swing at a time."

There were about twenty rules and the girls promised to obey them all, if I would trust them and let them play without Daddy standing by. They said that they were too old to be watched and their friends would tease them, calling them babies if Dad stayed. I made them promise to be good and obey the rules, and went back to begin preparing our picnic lunch.

When it was time to get the children, I decided to watch them at a distance for a while to see how reliable they were in following my instructions. I found that they obeyed most of the printed instructions. That is, all but one.

They would get on the tall semicircular slide and go down head first or backward. Angrily, I picked up the children and took them over to the posted regulations and made my seven year old read it aloud, again. Then I asked the girls what they had to say for themselves. My five year old answered immediately, "Don't be silly, Dad... No one uses a slide rule anymore."

~~~

Daily Grin January 14

2005-01-16T03:39:00.000-06:00

I finished the major project that I've been working on since November. Finally!! There's some loose ends to tie up and loads of filing, but it's essentially done. *whew*

Now to enjoy the weekend.... I wonder if that will work out!!? J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

The Worst Country-Western Song Titles

How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

~~~

Delivery Truck

I wish I had a small truck so I could take advantage of a contract hauling opportunity I saw mentioned the other day. Seems a water-garden company wants a load of frogs delivered, but they have to be delivered in a special bog-like container that will fit in a pickup truck's bed. They'll pay in food, which is exactly what the cat likes best!

For each load delivered, the company will provide one enormous home- baked casserole with a crust of middle-eastern flat bread. Mmmmmm!

That's right: a pita pie per pickup pack of puddled peepers.

~~~

Daily Grin January 14

2005-01-15T20:05:00.000-06:00

I finished the major project that I've been working on since November. Finally!! There's some loose ends to tie up and loads of filing, but it's essentially done. *whew*

Now to enjoy the weekend.... I wonder if that will work out!!? J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

The Worst Country-Western Song Titles

How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

~~~

Delivery Truck

For each load delivered, the company will provide one enormous home- baked casserole with a crust of middle-eastern flat bread. Mmmmmm!

That's right: a pita pie per pickup pack of puddled peepers.

~~~

Daily Grin January 13

2005-01-14T22:29:00.000-06:00

Managed to get a lot done at work today... I can see the light at the end of the tunnel... I just hope there isn't a train attached to it!!! Tomorrow is FRIDAY!!!!

... are we there yet?? J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

The Worst Country-Western Song Titles

Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye

~~~

The Sick Rabbit

The owner of a large rabbit became worried when his pet began to lose weight. None of the remedies of his veterinarian seemed to work. A friend suggested he ignore the prescribed nostrums and use goat's milk to fatten the bunny.

So the owner went to a nearby tallow factory where a young goat dwelt and lived off the fat drippings. Milk from this goat was fed to the declining rabbit but it's weight loss accelerated and its health began to deteriorate alarmingly.

He rushed back to the vet who asked what he had been feeding the rabbit. When told, the vet exclaimed, "Aha! That's the trouble. ... You shouldn't have used that greasy kid stuff on your hare."

~~~

Daily Grin January 12

2005-01-13T19:43:00.000-06:00

Another busy day... gee, why should today be any different than the other days at work eh? lol It's almost the weekend....

... are we there yet?? J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

The Worst Country-Western Song Titles

Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed

~~~

The Optician

You know those one hour eye glass places they have in the malls these days where you can stand in the hallway and watch the people grind the lenses?

The other day I was watching one of those guys through the glass when he tripped and fell into his grinder. . . .

He made a spectacle of himself.

~~~

Daily Grin January 11

2005-01-12T18:21:00.000-06:00

Got plenty of work done today and still plenty more to do. At least I feel like I did something more than spin my wheels today. The local pizza joint (close to work) has oven ready lasagna (along with other choices) and I picked one up for our supper today. Pretty good and a lot faster than making it myself!!

Having a fun week yet??? J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

Albums We Will Never Buy

N' Sync Sings - Anything

~~~

A local monastery was going bankrupt. The abbot didn't know what to do. The brothers had a meeting, and decided to open a great Olde English Fish-N'-Chips stand. One day, a man knocked on the door. After one of the brothers answered the door, the man asked, "May I have just an order of fries?"

The brother said, "Hold on a moment. I'm the fish friar. You want the chip monk."

~~~

Fw: Daily Grin January 10

2005-01-12T08:16:00.000-06:00

Busy day at work for us both today. It's going to be a hectic week and hopefully a very productive one. Hope you like groaners!!

....enjoy!! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

Albums We Will Never Buy

Marilyn Manson - For Lovers Only

~~~

A couple with a mutual craving for something sweet drove to the nearest Baskin-Robbins. Having bought ice cream cones, they returned to their car to be comfortable. As they settled back to enjoy themselves, two crows landed on the front hood and began to churp and flutter, and to peck at the windshield.

The man finally figured out what they wanted. He opened the window, and put his cone on the hood. The birds immediately settled down and began eating it.

"You're wonderful." said the girl, "How did you ever think of it?"

"Nothing to it," he replied. "It was just a case of .... stilling two birds with one cone."

~~~

Daily Grin January 9

2005-01-11T14:48:00.000-06:00

We're back. The funeral service for hubby's brother was Thursday and we drove back home on Friday. It's back to workplace insanity tomorrow and I'm expecting to be busier than ever for the next few days while I try to catch up. I have collected a few groaners for you this week

....enjoy!! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

Albums We Will Never Buy

Ol' Dirty Bastard Sings Rodgers & Hammerstein

~~~

Strange Dog Food

One of the pups in a breeder's litter of collies had a strange appetite, fostered no doubt, because the dog fancier's kennel was deep in the southern United States. The odd youngster spurned regular dog food. No meaty tid-bits could tempt him and he hated dog biscuits. Just in time to save the little dog's life, the owner found the puppy simply loved watermelons! He doted on them. His brother pups could not understand this and they teased him unmercifully. He became the butt of their pranks until his tail would droop and he would whimper and shiver in a corner.

His mother, trying to comfort him, called him to her. She said, ... "Come to me, my melon collie baby."

~~~

Daily Grin January 3

2005-01-03T22:56:00.000-06:00

Hubby's brother passed away suddenly this morning. We'll be away for a few days for the funeral. I'm afraid I won't have time to send the grin in advance. We'll be back on the weekend, more grins then, and one for the road...

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

Albums We Will Never Buy

Tammy Faye Bakker - The Extended Remixes (A 6 CD Box Set)

~~~

A young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage.

One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So... how do you like your rice? Boiled? Or fried?"

Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied, "Thrown."

~~~

Daily Grin January 2

2005-01-03T04:12:00.000-06:00

Back to work tomorrow and lots of work waiting for me. With any luck, I can finish what I need to and take another long weekend (friday off!!). That's my goal for the week. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can!

Have a great week!!! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

Albums We Will Never Buy

The Rolling Stones - Aren't We Dead Yet?

~~~

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. Jim sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled him out.

When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.

The director went to Edna and said' "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping into the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he is dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon may I go home?"

~~~

Daily Grin January 1

2005-01-01T22:57:00.000-06:00

More snow for us today. We're pretty much resigned to staying in until we have to go back to work on Monday. I will have a lot of shopping to catch up on next week, but for now I'm just getting some much needed rest!

I'm really turning into a sofa spud!!! J

~~~

Tsunami help blog

~~~

Tips for the "day after"

* The best way to treat a red wine stain on beige carpeting is to open another bottle and do the whole room.

* If an entire beer keg was consumed at the party, you will need to bleach the bathroom floor and walls.

* To avoid embarrassment, put most of your empty liquor bottles into you neighbour's recycling box. You'll have time while he's at church.

* Expect to find off things in odd places. Check under the bed for glasses, plates, and guests.

* If the party was a complete disaster with excessive noise and property damage, leave with the guests and stay at a hotel. Then come home mid-afternoon the next day, stand in shock on your front lawn, and yell loud enough for your neighbours to hear: "What the hell happened here!?!"

Why does it have to be at your place anyway?

The best New Year's Eve parties happen at someone else's home. You've put a lot of work into renovating and redecorating and it doesn't seem smart to put it all at risk for a few friends and neighbours who won't offer to pay for the damage and in many cases won't even remember doing it.

If you start feeling pressure to have the party anyway (because you've never had it before, whereas everybody in your social circle has had seven turns each), point out the dangers of your home location, like the long distance to the nearest hospital and the short distance to the local police station.

Low Resolution

Resolutions ruin New Year's. I'm talking about the concept that there's something you haven't liked about yourself for the last 37 years, but you're now suddenly, tonight, going to get around to fixing it.

And you didn't even think of it until after the third drink. And didn't announce until after the seventh. You're just setting yourself up for failure. Don't do it. If you have to make resolutions, come up with some that have the potential for success. Like these:

* I will not eat anything I don't recognize

* I will strive to maintain my current fitness level.

* I will allow myself to be examined by a doctor, even if he has cold hands.

* I will be quieter, in deference to people who are intimidated by my unlimited knowledge.

* I will forgive all of my friends and loved ones and appreciate that I'm still way ahead on those exchanges.

~~~

Daily Grin December 31

2004-12-31T23:38:00.000-06:00

Hubby spent a few hours at work shovelling today. There were no deliveries to be made. We're expecting another 6 to 8 inches of snow on top of the 10 we had already and the snowplows haven't been to my street yet. We won't be going anyplace until Monday, when we return to work. At least I can watch fireworks from my window!!

Happy New Year!! J

~~~

New Years resolutions we can keep..

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more.
6. Drink. Drink some more.
7. Take up a new habit: smoking.
8. Spend at least $1000 a month on Ladies of the Night.
9. Spend more time at work.
10. Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine.
11. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
12. Quit giving money & time to charity.
14. Start being superstitious.
15. Have my car lowered and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
16. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
17. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms.
18. Personal goal: bring back disco.

~~~

New Years Resolutions for Pets

12. Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.
11. Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.
10. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
9. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.
8. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.
7. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
6. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids, or they'll flush my butt.
5. Always scoot BEFORE licking.
4. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
3. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year.
2. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...

1. I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND

~~~

Daily Grin December 30

2004-12-31T02:24:00.000-06:00

I didn't make my deadline, but came pretty darn close. It won't matter, because something much more important got done instead and I'll meet my deadline in a reasonable time. We are experiencing a blizzard here today. I stayed at the office a little later than I would have normally, and didn't realize how bad the weather was. I think at that point we'd had some ice pellets for an hour, then about 4 to 6 inches of snow. The plows hadn't been out yet and the roads were pretty bad. The wind will increase tonite and make some pretty nasty drifts out there. Hopefully the plows will be out tonite and clear away the bulk of it on the main roads.

It's a good time to just stay in!!! J

~~~

Ways to help with tsunami relief

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

Albums We Will Never Buy

Barry Manilow: Original Gangsta

~~~

Daaad!

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later...

"Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later...

"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

~~~

Fw: Daily Grin December 29

2004-12-30T03:31:00.000-06:00

One more day of work this year. Maybe I'll even meet my deadline tomorrow... hey.. anything can happen, right? J

~~~

Ways to help with tsunami relief

Donations to UNICEF's Indian Ocean Emergency Appeal can be made online at http://www.unicef.ca by toll-free telephone at 1-877-955-3111 or by mail at UNICEF Canada, 2200 Yonge Street, Suite 1100, Toronto, ON, M4S 2C6.

In the USA.... http://www.unicefusa.org/

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

Albums We Will Never Buy

Bob Dylan - Mumble Mumble Mumble Say What?

~~~

My Dad Always Says...

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

I don't get even, I get odder.

I am having an out of money experience.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid of widths.

Practice safe eating, always use condiments.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

If it weren't for me, there'd just be a pile of my clothes on the floor.

I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.

~~~

Daily Grin December 28

2004-12-28T22:40:00.000-06:00

Had a very productive day at work today and got everything done that I had planned to....and then some! Hopefully, tomorrow will be more of the same.

I have included some links with information on helping those affected by the earthquake and tsunami. If you aren't able to help (and even if you are), please pass the information along. Maybe it will reach others who can help too!!! Encourage corporations to dig deep and if you work, challenge your employer to match any donations made by staff.

Every little bit helps!! J

~~~

Ways to help with tsunami relief

http://www.redcross.ca/ - Red Cross Canada

http://www.redcross.org/ - Red Cross USA

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

Albums We Will Never Buy

Mariah Carey & Whitney Houston Sing Songs Only Your Dog Can Hear

~~~

Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.

~~~

Daily Grin December 27

2004-12-27T21:50:00.000-06:00

Back to work tomorrow. Three days of action packed fun, followed by a three day weekend... wheeeee!!! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

Albums We Will Never Buy

Journey Salutes The Music of Yes

~~~

Your Family May Be Dysfunctional If...

Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.

Your mother and your preteen sister are always fighting over the last beer.

In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.

Bikers next door are always complaining about the noise.

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

Family discussions usually begin with "Put the gun down."

Instead of saying Grace at dinner, dad reads a passage from Penthouse Forum.

Thanksgiving dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.

New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.

~~~

Daily Grin December 26

2004-12-27T02:28:00.000-06:00

Turkey anyone??

Hope you had a great Christmas!! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

Holiday Word Game

~~~

'Twas the Day After Christmas

'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:

"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Robinson's, Levitz's and Target and Mervyn's.
To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now charge away--charge away--charge away all!"

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"Enjoy what you got. . . . . .you'll be paying all year!"

~~~

Bonus Grin December 26

2004-12-27T00:25:00.000-06:00

Since the Grin took a holiday yesterday, you get to enjoy a bonus grin today!

Hope you had a great Christmas!! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

Holiday Word Game

~~~

Ten things to say about gifts you don't like

10. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes, that would've fit.

9. It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.

8. Perfect for wearing in the basement.

7. Well, well, well...

6. I really don't deserve this.

5. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!

4. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

2. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.

1. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity

~~~

Daily Grin December 24

2004-12-24T21:19:00.000-06:00

We managed to get away early this morning to pick up our turkey and a few last minute grocery items. Traffic was insane and it was sooooo cold out there today.

We're looking forward to a relaxing Christmas tomorrow. Hubby and I gave each other a few early gifts to open and we'll open the rest in the morning.

Have yourselves a merry little Christmas!! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

Go slow for the full effect

Deck the House

~~~

A parent's night before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...
I'd forgotten that batteries are never included!

~~~

Daily Grin December 23

2004-12-23T22:35:00.000-06:00

We have four days off. I did bring a little work home with me, but not much. I had a very productive day today, except for a few minutes when I got distracted by Santa. Santa came to our office today and I invited him to sit in my lap. Of course, Santa correctly insisted that it should be ME sitting in HIS lap!! I think I made Santa blush when I told him I was probably going to be a naughty girl. I know *I* was blushing! lol Especially when Santa told me he leaves something SPECIAL for naughty girls! I think I was one of the last folks to leave the office today.

It's been very cold here.... close to -40F or colder with the windchill for a couple of days now.

Tomorrow, we'll pick up the turkey we ordered, do a quick shopping trip and then settle in for a long winter's night.

Two days to Christmas!!! J

~~~

From the "Don't take life too seriously" department....

Go slow for the full effect

Deck the House

~~~

The strange Christmas scene

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.

The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

From the redneck dictionary:

FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."

~~~bl